Never give up...

I will never give up hoping and wishing that Janet will find it in her heart to return to me. That is probably all it will ever be, a dream, but as long as I have it I have a reason to hope and go on living. This is not a blind love, it is a sincere strong real love. I have completely forgiven Jan for anything and everything. I love her so very much, that all that matters to me is her. Yes, I love my children and granddaughters, but it is an entirely different love. She has told me time and time again that she does not want to hurt me. I tell her the most honest truth, that is that only her staying away from me can hurt me. If she ever came back to me I would be the happiest man alive. I will wait, I don't care how old we both may be at the time, as long as she shares some of her life with me. If it never happens, well I will take that dream and hope with me to my grave. I need to be strong since I want to go on living and be here for her whenever she needs me for anything. I don't want anyone else in her place. No one could ever own my heart as she does. If you are reading this and thinking I am a fool, I must tell you that if you have ever felt the kind of love that I have for Jan, for anyone in your life, you would completely understand me. And if I am lucky enough to have Janet reading this, I truly hope you can see through everything that has happened in your life and realize that if given the chance I will devote my life to making you happy for the rest of your life. Please don't feel trapped by me or afraid to see me because of my feelings for you, I respect you and your wishes. I will not overwhelm you and drive you away. Yes, when you stop in to visit me. I will be very happy you are here, but I will not insist on you making decisions which you do not want or cannot make. As I said before I will wait forever and if forever just ends when I leave this earth, well at least I know you chose what and who made you happy, even if it was not me.

Going way way back...

In fact so far back that I would have to do some math to get the right year. I will start by saying that I have often wondered if everyone goes through the same thinking process when they are young. I am talking about reaching a time in your life when you know that things are destined to change and you don't know what to expect or even how to handle it. As life for me changed from boyhood to young manhood, it was very confusing. Unlike these modern times where there are books and parents who are not ashamed to talk openly about certain things, back then you did not feel that ability to communicate your feelings and fears. Parents did not want to speak about sex or falling in love with their kids, or at least my parents weren't open to such conversations. I would be told that I was way to young to be thinking about those things. Maybe I was but someone forgot to tell my body not to change so quickly. There were times when I thought I was a freak, as I learned on my own, much later, I discovered that what I had felt was perfectly normal. I sure wish there had been someone around to tell me that as I was going through that.

Well I started to understand some of what sex and love were about, but I had so many many unanswered questions. I did my best to go on. I did not go to the show or read books that weren't religious, so couldn't take advantage of love stories or movies to learn something. I heard things on the street from other guys, but I really did not put to much stock in what they said, and that was a good thing cause they were full of shit. I often wondered how it would be with my first girl. I wondered if I would even know what to say or do. Even at an early age I thought I would just end up alone. By this time many of the guys I new had many girlfriends and if you were to believe them, they also had sexual encounters. Who knows? All I knew was that I had neither a girlfriend or anything close to even a kiss. Oh well, time did not stand still and I just got older. I would do lots and lots of bike rideing and walking, which gave me a chance to think and plan my future. I was not to successfull in my planning. At least not at that point in my life. I would do a whole lot of day-dreaming. I would picture how it would be to have a girlfriend, wife and family of my own. It all seemed impossible.

I now understand why I fell so deeply in love with one person and have stayed in love til today. I had plans and in those plans was the foundation to be honest and faithful. I never thought that divorce from a marriage was an option. I always felt that if two people really loved each other they could work even the most difficult times out. I actually still believe that. I am not saying that in some cases divorce or separation are not an option, they as far as I am concerned, should not be the first option. Those actions should only be considered after all others have been exhausted. As I said I am still in love with the girl who became my wife and mother of my children. I still think of her on a daily basis and she still makes up a large part of my dreams at night, which makes wakeing up kinda hard, cause all of a sudden I am slapped in the face by reality, the reality that she is no longer my girl. With her went many of my dreams and hopes for the rest of my life. I don't and will not share those with another woman, cause they were only meant for her. Sure I tried to have a romantic encounter after I was divorced, and it was so weird. I would speak with this lady over the phone and I thought it would be nice to visit her and have dinner. Well we saw each other 3 times, and each was not what I expected at all. Minutes after being in her house I felt like leaving. I felt so out of place. We talked and that was all. I told her I would see her agin before I made my trip to N.Y. to get my guide dog. I did go to her house and met her grandson and ate pizza. While in N.Y. I realized I was not fooling anyone. I had to tell her this was not going to work out. I did not want to tell her over the phone so I started to avoid her calls. Once I got back home I had to keep my promise of letting her meet my new guide dog, so I went to her house for the last time. I really did not want to hurt her in any way but I could not lie either to her or myself. So I told her that I could not continue to see her, even though all we did was talk, but I did not want her to get any ideas that there could be anything between us. It is kinda funny when she asked me if I had met someone in N.Y. I said no, to which she said I know I new it all along, you are still in love with Janet. I said yes it is true, and that was it. I felt relieved. I did not feel anything for her so once I said bye It did not bother me at all. I hope that it was the same for her. I am glad nothing happened between us since it would have been a mistake. She was not right for me, after all once you have loved your one true love, who can even come close...

A little sluggish...

Yeah as I had mentioned in an earlier blog, I got off my meds. Well, I have felt a little sluggish along with a steady headache. But I know or at least hope this is only temporary while my system gets adjusted to the change. I am not going to panic since that would only result in my feeling worse and then perhaps getting back on the meds. So, I am going to be calm and wait it out. After all I had been on two of these meds for over 10 years, I can't expect to be free of them in just 8 days.

Well, the Saints did it. I was really happy when they won. They reallly deserved to win it all. It shows what a team can do when they are all on the same page. Hope they along with the entire city of New Orleans enjouys this for a while. I am sure they will. Those folks know how to throw a party.

We are expecting a pretty good amount of snow fall tomorrow. Hope it goes somewhere else. A good thing is that spring is not too far away.

Foundations by the blind for the blind...

I by no means consider myself an expert on foundations which help the blind. I read about them and contribute to them when I can, and I also take advantage of what they have to offer, i.e. white canes, brochures and the like.

Two of these organizations are ACB and NFB. ACB is the American Council of the Blind, and NFB is the national Federation of the Blind.

When I was a guide dog user, I was a member of ACB since they had a group who emailed each other concerning the issues which arised when using a guide dog. I must say that this group proved to be very helpful to me on more than one occasion. Some believe that the NFB is against guide dog use, but I have read much of their material on this subject, and while some may have different viewpoints on using a white cane vs. a dog, I can't see much of a difference than the normal one shared by the blind community as a whole. I have spoken with those who swear by the greatness of a guide dog, while I have also spoken with many who much rather use a white cane. I have done both. I have had two guide dogs, the second of which I returned to the school after having her for one year. I traveled well with my guides, but I also travel well with a white cane. If you really want to know which I prefer the best, well I must say that I much rather walk with a cane. This is just my preference. I love dogs, I have always owned a dog as a pet, however, a guide dog demands much more than a pet. Of course they also give much more in return, but the picking up after the dog, the shedding all over your dress clothes, and the wet dog smell are just a few of the things I got tired of. While the law permits you to take your guide dog enywhere, not everyone makes you feel welcome. Their are even family members who do not like the fact you take your dog everywhere you go. And then their is the fact that a guide dog is still a dog. My second dog had a real problem with other dogs we would encounter during our travels. She would lunge towards them pulling me along. On more than one occasion she drove me into tall branches and fences because of this behaviour. I lost my favorite pair of sunglasses this way. I worked with her on this issue but just when I thought she understood what was expected of her, she would mess up again. This may not seem like a big deal to some veteran guide dog handlers, but I'll share this one incident with all of you. One afternoon my guide and I left the house and as we reached the first main street, my dog spotted a dog, I felt through the harness what was about to happen so I corrected her and brought her to a sit and then a down position. When I thought I had her under control, I proceeded to walk on our way again. I could tell she was trying to sneak a look back at the dog so I corrected her and gave her the command to walk straight forward. Well, on our way back home she was so intent on locating that dog, that she led me right into oncoming traffic. This was a scary ordeal. I managed to find the sidewalk and blamed myself for letting that happen. I continued to work with my guide and we traveled 5 days out of the week. Finally, I decided that I would go back to cane travel. I called the school which had provided the dog to me and made arrangements for her return. She went back and to my surprise, she was not returned to work as a guide for someone else, the school put her up for adoption to a family on their waiting list.

I share this story only to prove I was a legit guide dog handler. I really don't want anyone to decide for or against getting a guide dog based on my experience.

As far as the NFB and ACB, they are great organizations that try to promote the education of the general public on what it means to be a visually impaired or blind individual. When I was growing up in the 60's I was not aware of these groups. Boy how I could have benefited from their assistance!

I also do my part in trying to educate the public on blindness, and when I had my guides I also spoke on what was involved in having a guide dog. What people need to understand is that we the blind community have the same right as the general population as far as our personal viewpoints on certain issues. We are not part of a cult who is directed to think and feel the same way. We are individuals and if we choose to be part of a group or not, it is totally acceptable.

Could not fall asleep....

For an unknown reason to me, I could not fall asleep last night. I moved through radio stations and decided to listen to old Chicago Blues. Not R&B, but real blues. It was very good listneing. I then started to remember my old neighborhood where I grew up in some 50 years ago. Our block was made up of White families, Mexican and Puerto Rican families and some Italians. Two blocks to the north it was primarily Italian. As a boy in the very early '60's I recall walking those blocks and knowing just by the smell of certain foods where I was. On my block you could smell the PR food. Towards the middle of the block you could smell the chorizo and eggs the Mexicans were enjoying. As you got near Taylor St. where the Italians lived, you could smell the cooking of green peppers. It was neat.

This brings me to my memories triggered by the Blues sound. Behind my house, just across the alley, the colored families lived. I say that respectfully since that is how I knew black people at the time. Roosevelt Rd. was, and still is the name of the street where they lived. There aren't to many houses left there. Well, I recall going to the corner of Cambell and Roosevelt and listen to a black man playing an electric guitar right on the sidewalk. He would sing the blues and I would sit there with an audience made up of kids and enjoy the music. I recall that instead of cement car stops in the parking lots, there would be wooden poles just like what is now used for power lines. These would just lay there to prevent cars from going any further. We as children would use these as our seat as we listened to the blues. I don't know the name of the man who entertained us, I have often wondered if he became or was famous. There was no prejudice in our little group, or if there was I did not know it. It is interesting though, most of the time everyone stayed in their own place. It is as if there was an unwritten rule about how far we could go into the others territory. It really did not matter to us as children. I can't speak for the adults, I was too busy enjoying my childhood.

These are great memries I want to hold on to. They helped to mold the person I am today. I am glad I was not raised in a neighborhood where only one race of people lived. I got to see and appreciate from an early age how others lived. It is interesting though, I guess because of the fact that the adults, whether black or white, were all blue-collar workers, everyone respected each other. No one really was better off than another person in the area.

I would not change many things, if any, about that part of my life. It must have been good, since I recall then with much fondness.

"RP" what is it...

Retinitis Pigmentosa, or RP, as it is called, is a genetic disorder in the retina which causes Night blindness, tunnel vision, color blindness and eventually leaves one with little to zero vision. I rarely if at all talk about this because I do not want to give the impression that I feel sorry for myself or want others to do so.

It is however not an easy thing to deal with. I am grateful for the time I was able to see fairly well. I never was able to see at night time or dimly lit places. I did not use a cane at that time so I did have a difficult time. Most people, not all, could not understand how one could move around well in the daytime but not be able to do so at night. I recall going to weddings and other partys where I could not see anything except an occasional flashing light. I could not even see the food in front of me. I did my best to act it out.

School was a difficult thing. My teachers were not very good at understanding my needs. When I would say that I could not see the blackboard, I would be told to put on my glasses, which I already had on. I remember that when we lined-up to go home I would try to read and remember everything that was on the board so I could do my work. Gym was another trial. I could do all exercises as long as it did not involve moving objects such as a basketball. I could not see anything on either side of me and when a ball was thrown directly to me, I could not see it until it had hit me. Yes, my mom did get letters signed by a doctor stating that I should not be expected to participate in certain activities, but the gym teachers did not take the time to understand or even care. I recall more than once watching the teacher rip up the note from the doctor while stating that I was not going to get out of participating with a doctors note. I was just a kid so I did not pursue this in anyway. I did my best. When I got to high school I faced the same problem and it was very difficult to deal with. I recall that we would shower after gym and our gym teacher would throw us a towell to dry ourselves, well needless to say my towel would end up on the wet floor. I hated this so I started to avoid gym all together. I failed that class, but I did not care. I wanted to be like everyone else but it was out of my control. There were many very embarrassing situations. I would bump into people in the hallways and walk into open doors and stuff like that. I did not complain to anyone because I knew there was little anyone could do. I was not aware of special schools or reading materials available to me at the time. Doctors never told my mom that these were availablr either. I would come home and yell and scream and punch a wall or two to relieve my frustration.

Well time moved on and so did I. As time moved on so did RP. It has taken all my sight with the only thing left is the ability to see bright lights. This is called light-perception. I could see bright lights but I would not dare follow them. Why? Because When I see a light it is scattered all over the place so I would have to guess where the light was really coming from. I remember that when this started to happen I would look towards an open door and see more that one outlet. Many times I would choose the wrong one and run right in to the wall. This not only happened in my house but out in public.

As you can see it would be easy to feel sorry for myself. But what would I gain by doing so? Nothing at all. You just go on doing the best you can to educate those around you about this "RP" and hope that they understand or even care enough to do some reading on the subject so that they can better assist someone they may encounter with this. I hope that young children with RP are given everything available to them so that their lives could be as normal as possible. Technology has come a long way since I was a kid. I never thought I would be sitting in front of a computer typing away. Never did I think I would have the ability to communicate in such a way. It is great! I have learned many things which I very possibly would not have it not for the advancement in technology.

So as you see, while there were so many individuals in my life who did not take the time to understand what I was going through, there were others in the world who were working to improve things for me. These individuals have made available to me things such as ZOOMTEXT, my screen-reader, Trekker Breeze, my talking GPS and what is of more value than any physical item, is the education of the general public to make them aware of us. We are here and we are not leaving. We are a part of society and we want to be included. We want all the opportunities made availablr to the general public to also be made available to us through adaptive technology. Don't look at our disability, look at our tremendous abilities!!!