How I define beauty...

I am going to atempt to describe what beauty is to me. I am blind so beauty as you know it as a sighted individual is a totally different perception, if you will. ?A sighted person can say he or she does not really care how a person looks, that it is what is in their heart that matters, and I believe many folks are sincere about their efforts to see it that way, but your eyes, your vision and the perception that has been imprinted in your mind by the media, books, internet and even your parents when you were a child, strongly affects how and what you will call beautiful.

I did have sight when I was younger, no I never saw 20/20, but I could appreciate beauty. As examples of this was how I viewed my wife and our children, They were physically beautiful to me, and that beauty was obvious to anyone looking at them. So in that case the outer appearance was genuinely beautiful. There was no need to exert too much effort to view certain people as beautiful just by their appearance, and I believe that for sighted people it has not changed much. When a man sees a beautiful woman, he takes notice and no one needs to rienforce what he can clearly see with the naked eye. The same holds true for a woman who sees a handsome man.

I have reached a very interesting point in my life. I have entered the 55th. year of my life. And I have been unable to see faces, so with that the ability to see outward appearance and it's beauty,for the last 22 years. Was it difficult for me at the start? You bet it was! I still viewed those I new to be beautiful as such, but when I expressed my acknowledgement of such beauty it was not accepted based on the persons perception and understandin I no longer could see their features. So in fact they felt I had no knowledge of their beauty. This was very difficult for me since I wanted my then wife to believe me when I told her she looked beautiful. You see we are raised to want others to notice a new item of clothing, a new hairstyle, a new weight, and so on. There is nothing wrong with wanting and needing to be noticed.

As a blind man however, I do see beauty. I believe I see beauty better than when I could actually see. All the clothing, make-up, hairstyle or gain or loss of weight, do not affect how I view a person. You see, I now put much effort in listening to what and how a person expresses their thoughts and feelings. It is like when you read a book and fall in love with the main character, you have a mentalt picture of what you believe he or she looks like. You may never get the opportunity to see that person in real life, but what if you did and they did not live up to your expectations? You see, when I view a person as beautiful, their outward appearance can not change that for me. They could be exactly as I picture them to be or totally the opposite, but to me they are one and the same. While you may be dissapointed in who your beautiful character turned out to look like, that never enters the equation in my determination of how beautiful I percieve, or if you will, see a person. I actually can see a man as a very beautiful person much quicker than a sighted man can. Not only because a man for the most part does not feel inclined to look for beauty in another man, physical beauty that is, this hinders his ability to see the inner beauty. This actually works in reverse when a man sees a beautiful woman, he may be so blinded by her outward appearance that he fails to see how rotten, or ugly she really is as a person. So you see where I have an advantage over you? Can I be fooled? absolutely, I can label a person as beautiful only to find out they are no good. But at least I was not fooled by outward appearance. The amount of time and energy put into looking beautiful does not go unnoticed by a blind person. I care of how I look and I appreciate it when a person does something special so that I may notice them, for example if a woman takes the time to get dressed up for me and wears a nice perfume I deeply appreciate it, you see she is putting aside all those misconcieved ideas that I cannot appreciate her beauty cause I cannot see her with the naked eye. All that is missing is a ssimple discription of her article of clothing, such as the color and length of her dress the style and color of her shoes or boots, and even the way she is wearing her hair that day. These are the things she would want me to notice if I could see. A man with sight may not notice all these details and she will definitely notice he did not. So by my asking what she is wearing I am showin much more interest than he who could see it all. As a blind man I have learned not to take anything or anyone for granted.

While a man may notice his girlfriend is looking good, he may figure she already knows he noticed her so he may not express himself, and this is viewed by her as him not caring enough to notice how she went to such time and effort to look good for him. This very girl or woman may walk by me and I will acknowledge the scent of her perfume, and even though I can't see her she feels I noticed her and paid more attention to her then her own man did.

I am not saying that being blind is a good thing, I am not saying that I would not trade places with a sighted man in a second, all I am stating is how I as a blind man sees beauty, how in fact beauty does rest on the eye of the beholder, whether blind or not...

The 28th. day of Dec...

Three mor days til 2011. Many folks reflect on the past year and either are pleased with themselves or not. Based on how they feel they begin to make resolutions for the New Year. Sometimes what we need to do is to finish what we started before we go on a new venture.

Times are harder than they have been in many years. Planning and sticking to our good plans will help us to make it through difficult times. When things are going smoothly again we need to check ourselves to see if we are still on the right track, or if we are going down the old path which will get us in trouble again. No one needs to point out the pitfalls for us, we no them all too well. Save a little for a rainy day, that is such an old proverb, but it holds true to our day, and it will still be going strong when we are no longer here.

I started my journey into the 55th. year of my life on Dec. 11th. I hope to stay healthy and to enjoy my family. I feel pretty good and when I feel down, recognising that as a road I don't want to take, I do my best to convince myself that all will be okay. All the pieces to the puzzle which make up my life are no longer here, Some are missing never to be found again. So, with this incomplete puzzle which makes up my life, I go on making the pieces that remain fit nicely to make a nice and happy family portrait. We can't and won't always have things the way we would like, but we don't need to just be satisfied with what we are left with, we can improve on what we have left to work with. Another old saying is, "there is always room for improvement."

Just being alive is a blessing. Enjoy life and deal with the trials which come your way the very best you can. Seek help when required and always strive to be the very best you can be. Even if no one notices, you know, and when it comes down to it, thats all that matters, we must be happy with ourselves, and yes, even love ourselves before we can honestly love someone else....

Window's live mail...

I was a loyal Outlook user until it started acting up on my new PC, so I ran with Gmail for a few weeks. Gmail is a great email provider but I don't like their inbox page to much. It was fine after I cleaned it up but I wanted a page just dedicated to my inbox and outbox. I decided to look at Windows live mail client. It is not an internet search page or and instant messenger page, as I thought it was, it is a page dedicated to your email. I was able to send my Gmail mail account via IMAP to this page. It was sooper easy. I now feel comfortable having all my mail at a glance and easy to use format.

I also like the fact it reccognized my Gmail id and password. It seems to be working out, time will tell. If you are running Window's 7 you can easily access this page once you have opened an account, by typing wi in the search box. You can also do what I did, I dragged and dropped the windows live mail icon to my toolbar. Pretty cool if you ask me.

Things are fine...

You know, it was Dec. 21,1991, when my mom's terrible journey with cancer ended. I still remember her vividly. I think I always will. Not only because I loved her as I did, but also because during that time in my life I was losing my eyesight very rapidly and I wanted to take mental pictures of those I loved to recall as memories when I could no longer see them. That actually came quicker then even I expected. By 1994, just 3 years later, I could not make out faces anymore. So I guess it was a good thing I did save those memories.

I however do not like the memories I have of my mother in her hospital bed in the room nearr the kitchen at our old house on Richmond. I also have a very vivid picture of her in Puerto Rico in the funeral home and I clearly recall how her finger nails stood out long and polished. I want to say the polish was a soft pink. I no longer feel that heavy weight come over me when I think of these memories. No, I have not stopped loving her or wishing she was here, but I am sure she wanted me to get on with my life. And I have. Added to those sad memories are all the good ones I have, and it helps to balance things out.

My then wife, and children were a blessing to me since they helped me make it through those and other difficult times. I have been blessed with a great family. I have been given the gift of five beautiful granddaughters who my mom would be crazy about if she were here.

While life has not been easy, it has been good. I expect to be around for many more years and this date will always be remembered as the date my mom passed but also as the date we moved into our new home on Kildare in 1994. So if one is to believe in such things it marked and end to my moms suffering and a new beginning for us in a new home.....

What has changed through the years?

Well, much has changed. The color of my hair, my weight, my vision and other things. But what I feel has changed the most is my attitude about life, simply put, the way I look at things has changed. My looking at things differently has made some dramatic changes in my life. I feel for the better, even though some would argue that point.

The most drastic change I would say is that of my religious beliefs. You see, I was a Jehovah's Witness and I lived my life for the most part as one. Yes, that included knocking on people's doors at the break of dawn to give them what I believed to be good news. I also publicly spoke before hundreds of people on several Bible topics. I took this very seriously since I did not want to mislead anyone.

From about 1991 I began to change in my way of looking at what I had been taught and what I was teaching. I began to notice things I did not like or completely agree with. I won't go into any details about that. It was strong enough however to cause me to slowly stop attending all meetings and to stop teaching my childrn the way I had been. I still taught them right from wrong and I still believed there was a God, so this I still instilled on them. It was how I felt about God that changed. I started to view God as even more merciful than I was thught to believe. I saw a God who loved all people, regardless of their religion or lack thereof. I could no longer believe that God would destroy all those who weren't Jehovah's Witnesses, base on that fact alone. The God I got to see now is a God who loves all people and takes no pleasure in the pain and suffering of his creation. I used to believe in a total destruction of our present earth which would then open the way for a paradise where we, those surviving Jehovah's Witnesses, would live along with those brought back to life by Jesus Christ, to live an everlasting life. I still believe there will be changes in life, life as we know it, but I no longer believe the earth will be destroyed and rebuilt just for a certain religion. God is too good for that. I base that on the fact that he is our father, and what father would not give life and happiness to all his children if it was in his power to do so?

Other things that have changed are the way I look at things and descisions we make. For example, divorce is something I never talked about and to think of it as something I would do, was just out of the question. However, I see things differently now. I am also more accepting of people and the reasons they do or for that matter don't do certain things. This has brought about a more peaceful me. I can take things a lot better than I would in the past. No, I am not saying I approve of everything a person may do,, however, I am much more willing to listen and accept a new way of thinking if my way is flawed. I want to be a better , more informed individual. I want to learn different cultures and why people think the way they do.

We all have had our own share of pain and suffering in life and each one of us has dealt with it in the best way we knew how to. What a wonderful thing if we would share our coping mechanisms with others and learn from them as well.

Life is so short that we, I believe, need to love and become a person who others want to love and to be around. Never taking anyone for granted or looking down on those with less than us or being envious of those who have mor than us. We must live our lives the best we can and allow others to do the same....

I know you are reading...

Remember I blogged about finding a way to access my Gmail by adding a gadget to my igoogle page? I had searched the internet for ideas on how to add a shortcut to my start menu which would take me to my inbox. I could not find anything. I did find that others had the same question with no results.

Well, to my surprise today after I had blogged about my way of placing the gadget on igoogle and then selecting igoogle as your homepage, I discovered when checking my Gmail that google place a link to a new option. Can you guess what that option is? Yes, their new idea is to place gmail on your homepage whether that homepage be Google or Igoogle. Did they steal my idea? Well I guess the "big boys" can do whatever they want.

I know this will be a hit with many folks since you can read and respond to your gmail much quicker now. I wil continue to use gmail simply because it works well with my screen reader.

Hey you guys who look for cookies or whatever it is you do with our blogs and ads, send a little of your riches from this idea my way...

Thinking back...

I am thinking way back. About 48 years ago or so. I was thinking of the cold winter days in my childhood. I remember walking the five blocks to school. I was cold but I moved pretty fast, so I got to school fine. I now think of my mother, she walked me to school and then had to walk back home. I remember feeling the direction of the wind and figuring out if she would be walking back home with the wind or against it.

Our school was warm and cozy. I would go home for lunch. Most of the time I would eat chicken noodle soup and a sandwich of lunchmeat. That was at the time my favorite lunch.

Our house was heated with oil. We had a hut in the back yard which enclosed two huge tanks which would be filled with the oil. In the start of winter my grandfather would have the oil delivered and pumped into the tanks. Depending on how cold the winter was, this had to be done a few times during the heating season. I would enjoy watching the driver unreel this long hose from his truck and insert the spout into the tanks one at a time. He would talk to me while this was getting done. I don't recall what we talked about. Just stuff I guess. I recall likeing the smell of his truck. The fuel was diesel and it had a unique smell, I have always related the smell of diesel fuel with warmth. I never gave it much thought till now, but it stands to reason I would associate that smell with warmth since the truck which delivered the oil which kept us warm ran on diesel fuel.

There are other scents which make me think of certain things or events in my life. I guess this is not unique to me. What is unique is the fact that a scent which brings something to mind for me may not have the same memory for someone else. That is just one example of how cool life can be if we take the time to stop and smell the roses...

Working with and around Google...

I was til last week a loyal user of Outlook as my email client. When it decided to freeze-up and take with it all my inbox, I decided it was time to move on.

I always had Gmail as my email provider, Outlook was just the tool I used to access my mail. I went to my Gmail directly and removed all the ads I could and made it user friendly. I was then trying to place a shortcut to my inbox on my start menu. I could not do it. The closest I got was to place a shortcut icon on the desktop. I was not satisfied, so I did some searching. To my surprise I was not the only person trying to do this with no success. I was not about to give up. I kept thinking till I came up with a unique idea which worked perfectly.

I know someone is going to take credit for it but what the heck. Here it goes:

Create an igoogle page.
Make Gmail one of your gadgets.
While on your igoogle page select it as your only homepage.
You do this by clicking on the link which reads: make igoogle your homepage.
Now whenever you go to the internet your igoogle page will pop up with guess what? Your inbox! You cand read and compose mail right from there. How cool is that! I cleaned-up my igoogle page and the only gadgets are my inbox and the Chicago Tribune.

So you see, where there is a will there is a way....

Don't get discouraged...

You know when things aren't going right? When all your good dreams and ideas seem to have been flushed down the toilet? Well, don't lose faith! There is always hope as long as there is life to be lived.

I once saw my life as a grandfather with all my children and their children having dinners and such things which families do together. A few years ago however, things changed which kinda put a little twist into those plans. I thought it could never happen now as I would like. But, to my joy, they can happen if we are willing to adjust our way of thinking. As an example, my children their mom and their children, and me of course, had a very nice dinner yesterday. My son Dave had to work so that was the only draw back. It was very nice and everyone had a good time.

This is how things can work out if we are willing to adjust our thinking and give a little. I know that to some it just is not right to do things this way, I was one of those thinkers not so long ago. But, one only robs oneself of a pretty good life if one is not willing to give a little.

Life is way to short and it will end a whole lot quicker if we choose to live angry and always seeking revenge.

So, smile,laugh,dance,sing and enjoy life with those you love and love you....

Sure got cold...

No big surprise, it got cold on the first day of December, in Chicago. I remember when I was a kid I really did not mind the cold weather outside if I could still go outside. I did not enjoy it however when I would go out preaching with my mom or dad. My toes would practically freeze off. I did it the whole time feeling I was pleasing God. Maybe I was maybe I wasn't. Only God knows. All I know it was damn cold out there. I loved to get home and just warm up by the floor register in the downstairs hallway. Home was shat it was supposed to be, a welcome site. I can't recall not ever wanting to be at home. Even after I grew up, and wherever I lived, home has always been a welcome place to be. I guess that is primarily because I view my home as a safe haven, no not heaven, but haven, a place where I can escape from the crazy world.

I think life for those who are not able to feel so good about going home are missing so much. How and where do folks like that relax?

Anyway, about the cold. I have often heard that the cold is good to kell germs, I hope that is true cause there are plenty of germs making people sick.

About freezing. I thought a few times in my life I would freeze to death waiting on a bus or train. I recall going to Union Station and waiting on a Metra train, I was sitting on a bench which was frozen itself. I remember shaking so much that I wondered if the guy sitting next to me could feel it. I thought that if I had to wait another minute, I would surely die. Well, I did not die. I thawed out in the train. I really was not looking forward to arriving at my destination since I would have to leave my warm seat, but if I did not get up I would have ended up hours away from home. I recall other times waiting for the CTA and walking and hopping by the corner just to keep the blood pumping. Unlike today, there were not shelters where you could hide from the wind. I am sure that there are people, young and old, who are going through the same things I went through. It's part of life in the Midwest....

Venting our anger...

We all get angry from time to time. For some of us it is more often than for others. I am happy to say that my days of being angry all the time are long over. I have learned how to control myself. This I do both for myself and others.

One thing that really bothers me of certain people is how, or rather who they vent their anger on. By venting i don't mean the act of telling someone your problems with the hope that by doing so you will be able to handle the situation better. I am talking about venting by yelling or displaying anger over someone who is not the blame or reason for you feeling the way you do. I view these persons, who most of the time are children, as innocent victims. We really need to understand why and to whom our anger should be displayed to. It is a very dangerous thing not to do so. Until we face the reason and person for our negative feelings, we will not solve a thing and those around us will suffer. Adults will avoid you because they can, but childdren, especially your own children, will stay and take the mental and physical abuse because they have no choice. Actually they do have a choice but because of their age and innocense they don't realize it. It is actually a very sad thing when we attack the ones who can defend themselves the least.

Remember you can take on new adventures and try to hide your true feelings by inventing new things to do, but in reality you are just postponing the inevitable. You need to be honest with yourself and you must also be honest with the person or persons who you have an issue with. Believe me it is for the best. Not only for you, but for those innocent ones who are the ones quietly dealing with feelings they don't understand. It is so unfair to burden children with feelings of guilt when they are not responsible for any of our screwed-up life...

Do you need a reason?...

I was thinking of how families seem to only get together when the calendar suggest they do. You know, holidays and such. I wonder if back in history people invented such days just to have a reason to get together. I know that merchants really take advantage of the holidays and birthdays to promote their products. There are certain items which are difficult if not impossible to find when the holidays are gone. As an example, I love these butter cookies that come in a round tin container, they are delicious and only available during the Christmas holiday. There are certain candies which are only sold during Halloween. So certainly store owners enjoy the fact people look forward to celebrating the holidays.

The food enjoyed during the holidays is also very special. It seems that every ethnic group has a special dish or two for each particular holiday. I don't mind that at all since you can go to different restaurants and expect to find and array of choices.

Getting back to my main topic, do we really need special dates to get together? I don't think so, but trying to convince the majority would be very difficult. Maybe as the years go on someone will make a day for "Just Because,"" the greeting cards are already out there...

Dog days of winter...

Yeah, I know that it should read: Dog days of summer. But I think someone a long time ago missed the boat with this one. I say that because even with the heat, in the summer you can find so many things to occupy your time. While I find that these months of November and December are dog days. Not only is the weather crazy but you kinda start feeling the blues cause another year is almost over. And in my case, my birthday is in December, so I also become one year older.

I know that for many it is a hectic time with all the gift buying and celebrations so at least for them they have little to no time left for boredom.

I occupy my time on the internet, but lately it has gotten a little expensive, you see I have been buying old hats on Ebay. I made up my mind to stop! i am just looking for one greay one as my last purchase for a while. I hope I find it soon since it is driving me nuts. The good thing is that I had the money to spend so I have not run into trouble. I could though, so that is why I am going to stop.

I must get into the habit of walking again. I spend way too much time indoors. I just have to muster-up enough courage to do so. No, I am not afraid of people, I worry about not finding my way back home. But, the more I think of it, I know I can do it. I have many other times. And even when I have gotten lost, it always turns out ok.

Talking about the dog days, my little dog Summer, has started to dig her way out of the yard. I worry cause I don't want her to get lost or hit by a car. I need to find a way to block her from doing this. I really don't want to give her up, but I would much rather do that than have her get injured.

Well, the dog days go on and so will I....

Dependent?...

I think I have become very dependant on the internet to provide me news, email and shopping. I realized how much i nneeded access to the internet earlier this week when my ccomputer fried. Yeah, my refurbished PC died. Oh well, we live and learn. So, anyway I got myself a brand neew Compaq/Hp. I bought this one Brand New! It is actually the very first out of the box unit I have purchase. I don't mean I bought an open box item, what I mean that this one was factory fresh in the box.

When my pc died, I had to go back to the old fashioned way of shopping for something since I could not go online. I used my scellphone and made a few calls. It actually worked out pretty good. The young lady who helped me was an employee of Best Buy. I told her what I was looking for and she immediately suggested the right one. I went later during the day to pick it up and I am very pleased with it.

Now I am back to all my old tricks on the pc. I had to learn a few new things but, I did. Hopefully this unit will last me a few years. I can't see any reason why it would not. I will keep you up to date.

Once upon a time...

When I was about 5 or 6 I remember watching my grampa, my Dad's father, decorate the house for the Christmas Season. He would string these cords of light bulbs in all different colors along the top of the fence and along the banister. Then he would come inside and place more cords whith bulbs in the inside frame of the frontroom windows. After he made sure all the bulbs worked, which was a job in itself, since you had to go one by one til you found which was blown, it was time to assemble the tree. Yes, assemble. He had a beautiful white Christmas tree. This tree had 3 sections which fit into each other. Once the tree was up he would then place this circular dish which had plastic lenses in greeen, yellow, red, green and I think blue. This dish had a light bulb on the inside so when he plugged it in, it would start turning and as it did it would light up the tree in all the different colors. It was a sight-to-see! Now he was done. He would go outside and admire his work. I would go with him and I remember how beautiful I thought it all looked. I remember later in life when I would go to peoples homes and notice that they had natural, or live, Christmas trees in their homes, and I would think how none of these could compare with the one my grampa put up...

Things I always wanted to ask...

My mom and I would always talk about her childhood so I felt pretty good about knowing her past, but as for my dad, that is another story. I don't know why but he and i never spoke to much about his childhood. Sure I knew some stuff about him but I was feeling the need to knoe more. I did not know how to approach him on this subject, so I started by asking him to describe his home. He started by telling me that before he was born when his mom, my grandma, was expecting a child my grampa had left and had not returned for months. He was found by his father in a nearby town with nothing but the clothes on his back. He had gambled and drank everything he had to his name. My grandma was holding down the fort. She had managed to buy a little wooden shack where she lived. My grampa was brought home by his father and then my aunt Isabel was born. Apparently my grampa would go on these crazy episodes of drinking and gambling. My grandma would do whatever she could for her and her little girl.

Apparently my grandfather would come around and stay long enough for my grandma to get pregnant since now she was expecting my father. He goes on to tell me how they lived in that little hut till he was about 7 years old. After that they moved into a slightly larger wooden hut. These huts were made of wood and they had shutters for windows and a tin roof. My dad, when he was old enough to do so he would go to a bakery and buy loaves of bread which he then sold or traded for eggs or anything else he could get for the family.

My grandfather then was working the sugar cane. My dad would help by milking the cow, delivering the milk, selling his bread and going to school. Aside from that he had to take his father lunch and coffee wherever he was working. Not much of a childhood when compared to todays standards.

After a few years they were able to get a home through a government project. This was an adobe home. It still had a tin roof, but it was a far cry from the first home he had.

Life was not easy and as he told me he and his sister always had to be on the watch for when their dad came home drunk. They would hide under the kitchen table or wherever they could. As my father puts it, my grampa would go crazy whenever he got drunk and he would pick a fight with anyone. And as my dad pointed out, my grampa had his machete very well sharpened at all times. Not someone you would want to cross paths with.

I can clearly see that my dad has always been a very hard worker. He may not know how to do many things but what he does he does with all his heart. I admire who he was and who he is....

Finding a sale...

Boy oh Boy! Don't we feel good when something we wanted to buy finally goes on sale. I don't know about you, but I don't like to pay full price for anything. I always feel as I have been cheated when I do pay full price. And when you go back and see something on sale and think of how much you paid, then you feel robbed. So, anyway yesterday i bought a pea coat for myself, one I have been wanting for a while now. it was marked down to half price. I love that. It is really well made for the price I paid, actually it is made well enough that paying full price is not bad either. In some rare cases an item is actually worth what it is being sold for.

The point I wanted to make though is that I almost fell into the trap of thinking that maybe at that price I should buy two of them. For someone who goes out on a daily basis maybe that would not be a bad idea. But I don't go out that much and I have two other very nice coats I can also wear. The point is that if i bought two of these coats, what amount of money would I have saved? Really none. Yes, I would have two for the price of one, but the idea is to save something. So, by just purchasing one I saved half. Makes sense to me. And if you think of it, if something were to happen to this coat in the near future, which I don't think it will, I am sure the stor will have a similar sale soon. So, enjoy your sales but buy wisely. You will feel better about yourself and I believe you will appreciate the item a little more.

my Fedora story...

This is my story of the fedora. I recall seeing both of my grampas wearing a fedora. I can't remember if they wore one on a daily basis, but i do think for one, my Dad's father did. I know there is a picture somewhere where my Mom's dad is sitting on a sofa with his leg crossed and he has a fedora on.

I always liked hats. I wore pilots style hats when I was a kid, then I started wearing newsboy caps. I also wore a newsboy style where the brim was sewn closed. I don't know the proper name, I think they are a flat newsboy. These were my favorite at the time. I had a black felt one which quickly became my favorite. I stopped wearing it when a gangbanger came and knocked it off my head and wanted to know what gang I belonged to. Well, I just decided to stop wearing it after that. I don't know wat happened to it, I strongly believe my mother threw it away. Maybe that was a good thing. Even though I was smart enough not to wear something which labeled me as a gangbanger.

As I got older I started wearing hats again. Mainly scull caps, baseball style caps and newsboy caps when dressed up.

Now I am in the phase of vintage fedoras. I really like the old style felt ones. I have found a few really nice ones on Ebay. I went a little crazy but what the hell, I think I deserve to treat myself every now and then. I researched them and their sellers the best I could and found that they all came from estate sales or second-hand stores. The folks who buy these are looking for specific things in a fedora to indicate they are vintage. You could go to a department store and buy a brand new hat which is styled after the original fedora, however, the materials and workmanship are no where near the quality of the vintage ones. One of the main things buyers in the know look for is the brand. Brands such as Stetson, Dobbs and Champ are just three of the good ones. Actually good is an understatement, these are great fedoras. I have been able to purchase mine in great condition. Only one of my fedoras which is a stingy brim trilby, shows the most wear in the inside headband. I conditioned it and it is better now. I did considered replacing it but it is fine the way it is. After all, it is vintage. The outside of this particular hat is in excellent condition. I am not sure but I think it is a beaver felt. It has a unique band on the outside which is made of braided feathers. The guy I bought it from said he has never seen a band as beautiful as this one. He told me he wanted to keep it for his own collection but his head size is much bigger than mine. I wear a 7 which is considered average.

I just bought black ones when I started to buy these. Don't know why. Then I branched out and got a couple of grey ones and a couple of brown ones. My brown Champ is like brand new. It has the original pin, feathers and wind trolley. The wind trolley is a cord sewn to the bow and then placed around the crown of the hat with a button attached. The button looks as if it is part of the bow. Once you bring the cord and button away from the hat by lifting it up from the right side of the hat, you can then place the button in your coat lapel. This was to prevent your fedora from getting lost if blown off by the wind. Pretty cool, don't you think. Only three of my fedoras have this wind trolley. It was an accessory which cost extra. I have read up on ways to install these to all my fedoras. Maybe I will. I thought of changing the outside band on a couple of my hats, then I decided against it. They are all in perfect condition and they are all original. This after all is what makes these hats vintage.

One of my brown hats, a Stetson Royal Deluxe, smells like pipe tobacco. I actually think this is really cool. I always liked the smell of pipe tobacco and I can picture a cool gent wearing this hat while smoking a pipe. You can't get any more vintage then that. At first I wasn't sure if I liked this hat because it has a grosgrain ribbon around the edge of the brim. But as I researched this I found that this hat actually dates back to the 1940's. Awesome! The lady I bought it from just knew it was old. She did not know much else of the value, lucky for me since this model of hat is selling for as much as $175. I got it for $25. A real steal.

Well, after all my shopping I have a total of 12 hats. Four of these are not great hats since they are not stamped with the name of quality brands. well, I take that back, one of them is, my white straw fedora, which is a safari panama hat from ecuador. The brand is Ultrafino. This hat is really cool. It was handmade. It is a summer weight hat. Now for my other hats:

Black Champ with wind trolley
Black stingy brim Champ
Black short brim champ
Black Royal Stetson
Grey Stetson with leather braided band
Grey champ with wind trolley pin
Brown Champ with pin and wind trolley
Brown Royal Stetson Deluxe with pin


Now for the others:
Lite grey, almost taupe felt suede with wide brim
White wool/felt with black band and wide brim, zoot style
Black wool/felt with white band and wide brim, zoot style

Some came with their original feathers but I purchased more feathers in different colors to adorn my hats.

I really feel great when I wear my hats, so I am going to continue to wear them and I will continue to look for those unique vintage buys. Can you just imagine the stories these hats could tell if they could talk. They are as old as I am or probably in the case of a couple of them, even older than I am.

Karma...

You can call it whatever you like, I choose to call it karma. The good things I do for people will one day come back to me. You noticed I did not say the bad things I do to people, since I strive very hard not to bring intentional harm to anyone.

So, good karma is what I hope I will recieve. I have recieved good karma on several occasions. I will mention the most recent.

I purchased something on Ebay, as I often do, but this time was a little different. The item was up for auction and I wanted to purchase it with Buy It Now so I could get it sooner. So I made the person an offer and they placed the item for Buy It Now at $5 less than I had offered to pay. I recieved my item and I was very pleased with the whole transaction that I sent the seller the additional $5. I let that go at that. I was happy with my purchase and I felt the seller had gone out of their way to please me, so this was the least I could do.

A week later I made another purchase from another seller on Ebay. I paid the asking price and to my surprise, (karma), the seller refunded me some of the purchase price because the cost of shipping the item was less than she anticipated. Now you tell me, did she have to do that? Would I have ever known that the shipping was less? You see she could have easily viewed that as a plus for her and pocketed the money. There would have been nothing wrong with that, I am sure it happens everyday, but my good karma came back to me...

Hobbies..

Hobbies are a good thing if we think it through. If our hobby involves collecting items, whether they be vintage or new, it can be a whole lot of fun but it can allso get very expensive. If you have the means to keep up such a hobby without hurting your financial situation, then it is a good hobby. However, if it is causing you to spend beyond your means, then the joy will soon end when you find yourself in financial problems. As

Hobbies don't need to cost much at all, in fact, they can be free.

Reading books can be a hobby. And we can get all the books we want at the Public Library. We can have a hobby of watching old movies on the tv service we already have. If you like to sew, knit or crochet you can easily make one of these your hobby.

Taking a walk on a daily basis can be your hobby. Riding a bike is another.

You see a hobby is something you enjoy doing for yourself which takes up some of your spare time and brings you joy and relaxation. It is a time to release some of the stress of work and everyday things. If your hobby starts to cause you stress, then it is time to look for another. You see that is where having a hobby which involves purchasing items can get stressful, and zap the joy of the whole thing.

Find something you like to do and do it. If you get tired of it, that's fine. Changing the way we do things can really benefit us and will aid in preventing boredom....

My year at Irving School...

My 7th. grade was at Irving Washington school in the WestSide. It was the only grade I attended that school. It was a school made up of Hispanic and Black kids for the most part. There were some Italian and White kids as well.

My teachers name was Ms. Bruni. She was a good teacher. I remember some of the girls in my class at that time. It is interesting that all the girls I remember were Black girls. They were, Angela Ford, Penelope Jones, April Washington and Denise Banks.

They we all very pretty girls. I remember Denise and April the best. Denise was a heavy girl but she was the nicest. She always had a smile. I recall letting her see my blue ring and how she took it and put it on and did not return it for over a week. I guess she liked me. April lived across the street from the school. Even though she lived so close, she was late most of the time. I remember how Ms. Bruni would look out the window after we had all sat down at our desk and she would say, "Well it seems Ms. Washington decided to join us after all" You see she could see when April left her house. April would come in quietly and she would take her seat. After Ms. Bruni would welcome her in April, who sat behind me, would tap me on the shoulder and hand me some homemade vanilla cookies. We would wait for the teacher to look away and we would eat our cookies. I never asked her to bring me these cookies but I never said no either. I guess in her own way she was telling me she liked me.

These were nice times. I am glad I lived in that area. I lived among all sorts of people so I grew up accepting all people, regardless of their color as humans just like me. I understood they had the same or similar thoughts as I did along with the same fears. I was able to at an early age learn that fundamentaly we ar all the same...

The white cane..

Last Friday, October the 15th., was white cane awareness day. I appreciate having a day set aside for folks who are blind or visually impaired. But did you know there was such a day? Did you know on Friday it was such a day? Chances are you did not. This is not your fault, not enough people are aware of this. We need to be more public about it. It would be a good thing since many folks out there not only did not know of the white cane day, they don't seem to even know what a white came carried by a person means. I can freely say this since I am blind and use a white cane. I have experienced on more than one occasion where my having a white cane means absolutely nothing to a driver or a person walking. It really is upsetting since I don't feel I should have to explain what the white cane means. The use of a white cane by the blind is international so there is nothing different from my white cane or that of a person on the other side of the world.

What does a white cane mean?

Well, a white cane first of all aids a blind person or visually impaired person to identify objects in his or her path. Finding curbs, stairs, doorways and ramps are just a few. What should it mean to you? It should let you know the the individual with the cane cannot see you, that he or she may need a little extra time to find the up curb or sidewalk while crossing the street. While most of us are fully aware of the flow of traffic and would not walk into traffic, it is your responsibility to look out for me. You must come to a stop if you see me crossing the street. Don't start blowing your horn as if to indicate I should not be in the street. I will not forgive you if you hit me with your car. And if you kill me it is your fault even if I am in the middle of the street. So if you aren't aware of the laws regarding the use of a white cane, then first you should not be driving, and if you want to keep your priviledge to drive, then I suggest you read up on the white cane laws and while you are at it, read up on blindness...

Vintage...

Vintage, this is a very interesting word. At least it is to me. I have notice how people use it to describe something old which carries some value, whether that value is sentimental or a monetary value. I have been shopping for fedoras online, my search has educated me on not only fedoras and their place in our society, but also the pride of wearing a vintage one. I normally don't ever consider purchasing a used item which is to be worn by me, I will by a used computer or phone, but never clothing. Well, not til recently, I found some vintage fedoras dating back to the '50's and '60's, which I could not pass up. I recieved one in the mail which feels and looks as new as the day it was purchased. Someone really took great care of this hat which shows the value it had for it's previous owner. Yes, I know that the previous owner is most likely dead, but so what? I will wear his had-me-down with pride as he once did. I have ordered a couple of more which I found online and I hope they are in the same condition as this one. I did not pay a whole lot for these, but I believe that the quality surpasses that of the fedoras today, or at least I am now aware that to purchase a fedora such as the one I now have at today's prices I would have to pay over $150. So you see vintage is not junk. I even find myself thinking about all the places this hat was worn to by it's original owner. If this hat could talk, man I am sure it has plenty of stories. Well, now it belongs to me and I don't know for sure but I believe it gives me the same feeling it once did to another gent.

So much talk about a hat you might think I am nutts. Well, maybe I am but I certainly am having fun learning about them and their origin.

I love to learn and not everything we learn needs to be earth shattering. Simple things and the reasons behind them interest me very much. When a story can be written about a piece of clothing, I think that is pretty cool!

Accountability..

You know in this day and age people speak of accountability as far as it relates to sports and stuff which is not that important in the big picture of real life. In sports for the most part it is just about winning or losing, all get paid regardless. Only the fams and the ones who placed the wrong bet lose. However, in real life whin one does not assume responsibility for ones actions, many can suffer as a result.

Instead of beating a dead horse about why things happened, I feel ones time is better spent on fixing what has gone wrong or picking up the pieces of what is left and doing the very best we can with what we have to work with. Just waiting for things to get better will not do it. We need to take action, immediate action! No one is going to solve things for us, but in most cases their are those who can help. Maybe we need to seek for help from individuals or institutions put into place to help those with the very same type of problems we are facing. Take advantage of what is out there. Don't wait to get a flyer in the mail with all the numbers and places where help can be found. Use the PC! Find out how and what you must do to start making things better. Don't wait til tomorrow. Do it now! If for some reason or other you cannot do this on your own, then have those who are able and are affected by the situation lend a hand. If you can not contact these people or places because your name is not on the contract or whatever legal matter it may be, then you must, if you are directly affected by the innaction of another, you must do all that is within your power to see things through. Maybe this means insisting that the certain call be made, that the certain letter be sent or whatever action is required. Make it your job to push the issue til it is no longer an issue. If you don't do anything, chances are nothing will get done and the matter will get worse, much worse. Allow others to be accountable for their inaction. Don't protect someone by not letting them know that things are bad. You are not helping anyone, and you are robbing them of the opportunity to fix things before it is too late. Why would you do that? Remember things did not get to this point overnight, so they aren't going to get solved overnight. But you can and must start taking all steps to make things right. Find the proper assistance and if the first one does not work try and try again until it works. If your first phone call has no results, call again, ask to speak to the person who can best help you. Make a personel visit to the bank or store or whatever institution that is the issue, speak to whoever is assigned to work with customers in your situation. Even if you need to take a day off work, remember in the long run this is for the best. Use one of you vacation days, or a sick day. Prevent this from going any further. It will not solve itself. If you work at it however, it will get solved or you will see more clearly what you must do. No one can make us accountable but ourselves. Not acting is the worst thing one can do. So find out what it is you need to do or help the one who is in the position to act to do so! Once the wheels are in motion things will get done one way or another. And remember that when it comes to leagal matters, if something is being actively worked on, no negative action will be taken against you. If you however do nothing then those in position will do what they have to do. They will not offer any help until you ask for it, and even then you must insist. It is you who needs the help, not them, and they owe you nothing!

Getting older, or better?

You know when I was a kid there were styles that I used to like a whole lot but never really got into them cause I would get laughed at. I have always liked the newsboy caps, in my hood we would call them 'Dago' Caps" since mainly the Italians would wear them I mean no disrespect to them, I now wear these caps on a regular basis. I recall my first cap, it was a grey tweed. I thought it was so cool. I was about 9 years old. I wore that cap everywhere. I stopped wearing it when some folks started making fun of me. Believe it or not, these folks were not kids, they were adults who should have known better. But if you were raised in a Puertorican environment, you know how much shit people talk.

Well, I figured I would wait til I was older to sport my hats. I own these in various colors. I still think they are cool. But now I am adding a style of hat which I have been waiting a longer time to wear. The reason for this is because the hat I am talking about is a gentlemens hat. I am talking about the Fadora. This type or style of hat has mainly been worn by older gents. I am now fully qualified to call myself an older gent, so with that said I will wear my Fadora with pride. My first of these hats is a white Panama fadora. I am wearing it right now. It is white with a black band. It was hand-made with products from ecuador. Next I am going to get a black wool fadora. This type of hat was made popular by the Gangsters and the actors like Bogart and Sinatra. Hey if they could sport a fadora, so can I.

I think that this style of hat is coming back into style since when I was doing my research on them, I found a lot of info directed at the younger crowd. I don't care if they are coming back or not. I am wearing mine cause I deserve and have earned the right to wear what I want to wear no matter who likes it or not. Hey and if you are a pretty woman, I will tip my hat to you when you enter the room...

My Dad's Dad...

I remember much of my grandfather on my dad's side. He was a very strict man. I remember he yelled alot. He and my grandmother would argue just for the sake of arguing. I was not really close to him, I don't think anyone was. He did not mind this. He moved to Puerto Rico, or I should say, he returned to Puerto Rico in the mid sixties. He worked and saved enough to have a house built out there.

One thing I recall him doing was smoking a cigar. He would by the cigars by the box. He did not smoke these all day long, I remember he would save this for the evening. He would sit outside and just smoke his cigar.

Another thing I recall him doing was, whenever anyone would come over to visit, he would offer the guys a shot of rum. I still remember how he would offer this. He would say, "Quier un palito?" This means would you like a shot?. It is a custom in P.R. to offer a palito. I never gave it too much thought, but the rum he offered and drank was called 'Palo Viejo' I now realize that the offering of a palito was based on the name of the rum. As time went on though every shot of rum regardless of the brand is called a palito in P.R.

In Puerto Rico you could always find my grampa sitting in his rocker outside, once the sunset, with his cigar and a shot of Palo Viejo. I remember that the rum was a dark rum, this is due to the aging process, and the sugar cane molasses.

In his own way this was how he relaxed after a busy day. He bothered no one and just went to sleep after his nightly shot and cigar.

Just ask...

You know I often state that I am not a religious man, that is true in the sense that I do not believe in organized religion. However, if anyone thinks I do not believe in God, they are sadly mistaken. I believe in God and I believe that Jesus died for me. I pray to God in his son's name and he still responds to me.

I am but an imperfect person who makes mistakes and needs God's understanding, I also realize that I cannot get on from day to day if not for God's help. This brings me to the reason for this post. I used to believe that if one did not attend religious meetings on a regular basis, God would soon stop giving you answers or help. I actually clearly recall that being one of the teachings. The reasoning behind this teaching was the point that if we stopped attending meetings it meant we abandoned God, not that God abandoned us. So, with this understanding people would just stop praying to God and not rely on him for help. I never stopped talking to God since I knew I could not do things on my own. I figured that if he decided to ignore me that was fine, but I was not going to stop trying. I soon discovered that what I believed about God was correct.

I believed that God loves us all and if we seek him in one way or another he will allow us to reach him. I know this because I have found myself in situations where I felt that I could not go on. In fact, I often felt that to die would not be a bad thing. But I went to God and told him my problems, as if he did not know, and I asked him to please help me either find the way to solve the problem or the strenght to let it go. He gave me the help I needed with his Holy Spirit, so I know that God does care and he will not leave if you stop attending meetings as taught by some. I am sure that there are some who need that physical place of worship in order to feel close to God, and for them that is fine, I respect their right to feel and to believe how they do. I however feel I can and have kept close to my God through his Son Jesus Christ.

So, no matter how you worship God, continue to do so since as far as I can tell, he loves us all and will help us if we ask....

An owner's manual on life...

Whatever we buy at the store that operates in one way or another, always includes an owner's manual or some form of instructions. Why doesn't life come with a set of instructions? Why don't we get an owner's manual? As I write these words I can hear my mother's voice saying, "We do have an owner's manual, the Bible>" Not that I want to disagree with my mom, but I read the Bible many times, and while I do recall some lessons, not all are there. Many if not all the lesons we learn come the difficult route, as I have posted in the past I am a graduate of the school of hard knocks!

I am older now and I know how to block a punch in the gutt so it doesn't hurt as much, but I am thinking of innocent children who have little to no say as to what happens in their lives. My only sense of relief when it comes to this is the fact that I have witnessed how children seem to rebound faster than we adults do. It still breaks my heart when I see the things that go on with little to no regard as to who gets hurt.

I for my part know that no one is perfect, but I am not going to give anyone a slap on the wrist and say, "It's ok" when they hurt someone I love. While I understand that sometimes relationships just don't work out, I do believe that society, or at least the part of society I know of, makes escaping from ones responsibilities way too easy. But then again what do I know.

All I can do is what is in my control to do. I will love and continue to do my best to set a good example for the children in my life. While I could take the easy route and say it is not my problem and I don't need to worry about it, I don't need any book or set of instructions to tell me that someone must be strong and provide these innocent ones some sense of security.

I am not a religious man, but I do pray to God that he quickly mends the hearts of all the children in the world who find themselves in a one parent household. And I also pray that those parents who are in a situation where they no longer can live with each other, find a way to leave where the pain to the little ones is reduced. And I also pray that these parents don't alienate the other person causing the children to hate, since this will not help anyone, and in fact can cause long-lasting negative effects in a young ones life...

So while there is no blue-print on how we should build a life, may God bless us all who are putting our best foot forward as we try to do the very best we can for ourselves and those who count on us....

Warm secure feeling...

You know that feeling of security and peace you feel when you are in your favorite place? If you don't know, you seriously need to find it. I started finding these special moments years ago. In fact, I was just a child. I can remember going to Childrens Memorial Hospital for frequent blood test while I had hepatitis. On the way to the clinic most of the time I would have a stomach ache which seemed to last forever, and on the way back all I could think about was getting home and laying on the sofa and watch the Munsters on tv. My stomach would still be upset, but I was home, I was in my safe place. I had this condition for 6 months. Finally one day my blood test came back negative and I was told, or rather, my mom was told I would be okay! I still had to watch what I ate, but at least I knew those terrible stomach aches were soon going to be a thing of the past.

I never gave up my special place though. It has changed locations through the years, but I always have a place in my home where I can go to and feel safe and at peace. Sometimes I visit my place several times a day, while on other days I don't even need to go there. I have even been able to re-create my special place when I am far from home. This is more a mental getting away rather than a physical one. Even though the physical one also involves the mind, when I am away from home It takes more of an effort to arrive at that safe peaceful place.

Sometimes a certain smell, food or thought can quickly take me to my special place. This to some may sound silly, but I really feel strongly about this. I have gone through difficult times in my life where escaping to my place has kept me sane.

I don't hide from my problems while in my secure place, I just take a break from them. I rejuvinate my system so I can go on. maybe to some this may all sound like a false sense of security, but through the years it has worked for me. So, I will continue to enjoy my moments of peace and quiet where I am alone with my fears,feelings,thoughts, hopes and dreams.....

Living within one's means...

You know when I was a kid we lived in a house which was a row house. A row house is just what the name implies. It was a house connected to all the other houses from one corner of the block to the other corner. We had no space between the house next door. In fact, if you listened closely, you could hear your neighbors. We had a back yard and a front yard. There was really no privacy to speak about. I never minded this as a kid. I did not know anything aside from this way of life. We did not have a car till 1968. We did all of our traveling by bus. Anywhere we went we rode the CTA. In the winter we would freeze waiting for the bus and in the summer we would bake in the sun. I do remember the heat and the cold, but I don't remember my sister or I complaining. You see this was the way it was and we did not expect it to change anytime soon. But it was fine, we had a home to return to and food to eat. We did not have all the luxuries which people have now. But, not many folks did, and if they did, they did not live in our neighborhood. We had one black and white television, and my Dad would own it when he was home, especially if sports was on. I remmember back in 1969 my Dad bought a record player and my sister and I were allowed to buy 1 45 record each. The only reason we even got the record player is because our religion came out with records called Kingdom Melodies.

I for my part did not miss not having things since I was raised to believe that we needed to be happy with what we already had and to wish for more was greed and a work of the flesh, or wha Satan wanted us to long for, the things others had. So, I never even gave it a second thought as I was growing up. We were poor I guess, but we never really needed to ask anyone for anything, and if we did I certainly did not know that. In fact, now that i am older I still feel that one does not need a whole lot when it comes to material things to be happy. I really don't regret being raised to be content with what I had. While I do like new stuff just like the other guy, I won't die if I don't have it. Things come and go. What seems important today may tomorrow be tossed aside or even tossed away. My wife and I raised our children in a similar way. They did have mor than just a black and white tv, and we tried to buy them some of the newest toys, but as far as expensive styles, we did not go that route. We did buy our kids new clothes and while it may not have been the most expensive, it was not the cheapest either. I am grateful to God for allowing their mom and me to always provide for them. And just like most parents, we tried to provide things for them which we did not have as kids.

Life is not easy but it can be even harder if we live out of our means. I don't ever remember longing for something another person had. I have always had the attitude that if I get it fine and if I don't that is fine also. I am satisfied with just having what I need to live from day to day. I could say I just need what I need to survive, but someone might think I am dirt poor, and that is not the case. I have what I need and shelter and food are not a worry for me. You see others are not happy with just getting by from day to day, but I do just fine living like this. Not that I don't make plans and save a little when I can, but I have no notions of striking gold. If it happens I will enjoy it but I am not going to spend my life striving after the wind...

How I was raised...

I was brought up in a time when discipline was very important. It was not unique to my home, or at least I don't think it was. We had fun times just like everyone else did, the only difference was that we mainly associated only with other families of the same church. As you may have gathered by now, the holidays were not celebrated in my home. When it came to religion my parents were very strict. You see they believed as my father still does, that this world belongs to Satan and taking part in anything having to do with this world is against God's principles. They also believe that this world is going to end soon and only those baptized as Jehovah's Witnesses will be saved and allowed to live on. So you see as I was a Child it was important for them to raise me in a manner in which I would soon get baptized and live my life as one of them. It worked since at the age of 11 I decided I had better get baptized since I also thought the world was going to end pretty soon. I do feel that the way I was raised did protect me from many things. I stayed away from trouble most of the time since I did believe in a God. Now that I think of it, we really had a strict family. But I am guilty of doing the same thing with my children at the start. I don't regret everything, I would however do some things differently. My parents did the best they could. My father was a very hard worker and always provided for our needs. He seemed to be mad most of the time, but just think of it, he worked 12 hours a day and then attended five weekly meetings at the church. Really did not leave much time to breathe. He and my mom learned the truth, that is what believing in the Jehovah's Witneness teaching is called, from his uncle. He sure did a good job teaching them since it stayed with them all their lives. Not that I was not taught well, I was, but I have always moved to the beat of a different drummer. Only time will tell if they were right or not. It is interesting that most of the families had at least one member like me, they are no longer in the truth either. I have spoken with some of them in the past, and we don't mind not being allowed to celebrate holidays and stuff, as much as we mind the fact that we were not encouraged to seek higher education. I as well as them, were offered opportunities to continue on into college, but we knew we could not even bring this subject up at home. That is one area where I completely say they are wrong, if our loving God gave us the ability to learn it was ment to be used, not only for religion but for learning all you possibly could. I have my own theory on why those who started this religion insisted on their followers strictly obeying such rules. I believe it was because as long as a person is being fed or taught one thing over and over, that is all they know and live. Once you learn something else you start to question the validity of those things you have been taught. I believe that if one is allowed to learn freely and to choose freely, one becomes a better person in the sense that we realize that the choices we have made are ones we made on our own and not those impressed on us by others who know very little of who or what we are.

So, i love my parents and understand why they did the things the way they did, however, now that I am much older and finally realized about 20 years ago that I could make up my own mind and still be accepted by the God I believe in, I don't totally agree with the teachings of the J.W.'s. I might be totally wrong but I often think that if my mother was alive she would see things a little differently also. You see I got my rebel from her and she was a thinker as I am. She accepted things but did a lot of studing to see if she was being told the truth or not. She did have a sincere fear of God. I may be totally wrong but I think my mom was more open-minded than most.

I guess most people regardless of what religion or faith they were raised in could find some good things and some they would change. Life is made up of choices. Those choices we make based on what we have researched rather than on those made for us will take us much further and may make us happier in the long run. If we are wise in making decisions we will succeed, if we just choose things because they are the easy way to go or because they provide the quickest and greater amount of fun, likely we are making the wrong choice and we are headed straight to hell. So, do your best and blame no one for your choices. Somewhere down the line we all must take responsibility for our own choices and actions. God Bless us in our endeavours to live and let live....

Getting wrapped up in the cycle...

What cycle? The cycle of believing what our parents taught us to believe. This is not unique to one religion. If your parents were Catholic and they raised you as such, chances are you raised or will raise your children to be Catholic. If you were raised to believe in the Jewish teachings and customs, likely you will follow that in your life even teaching it to your children.

I am not saying this is right or wrong. It is the way things have been done for many centurys. I lived that way and was raising my family in that manner. My children, especially the oldest two, got the full blast of the Jehovah's Witness way of life. It is not all bad. Many of the teachings help you to avoid problems and pain in your life, I am sure that in other teachings similar thoughts are in the teachings. However, when my oldest daughter was about 15 years of age, I started to see things in the organization which I did not completely agree with. No, these were not new teachings, just the way men were overseeing the flock did not seem right to me. Maybe this had been going on all the while, maybe I was a lot wiser now. I know some will say stupid is mor like it, I rather think I got smarter. Anyway, it did not happen over night, but slowly my family of 4 children and a wife fell out of our religious beliefs. The mother of my children was the last to stop attending. I had stopped teaching my children as I had before. I felt so guilty but at the same time I could not continue to worship where I did not trust those in charge. In fact I still feel very strongly about how some of those elders are going straight to hell, where I will be waiting.... Anyway, I have come to the point where I don't expect my children to follow any of the religious teachings based on what I said at one time. They must choose what is right for them and their families. No matter what it is, I will stand behind them. No, that does not mean I will follow their beliefs, but I will not hold it against them. I am proud that my wife and I gave them a solid beginning aside from the church, so that I completely trust any decisions they make to be in the best interest of their family. I for one believe in a God who loves all people. A God who will not destroy people on the basis of there choice of church or religion. I believe God still loves me even though I am not a believer as I was raised to be. Men should not be given power over Gods people since they abuse that power for their own selfish reasons. The God I know will punish those who have taken such power and abused it with what the Bible calls the lake of fire, if that is not hell, than I don't know what is. No matter what religion or sect, any man who has caused one of God's children to stray should and will burn in HELL!

Birthday celebrations...

Lately i have been asked by a few people in my family why I don't celebrate birthdays. I have given them a generic answer, since I really needed to think about it. I was raised to believe that celebrating birthdays was wrong, and that it made God upset. To back up these teachings we were shown stories in the Bible where bad things such as one man losing his head at the request of the birthday girl and the such. I don't know if I still fall for those reasons. I will tell you though that when something is ingrained into you from an early age, it seems to stick around, no matter the reason or explanation.

There are however stronger reasons why I did not celebrate birthdays when I was younger even if I thought I could do it behind my parents back. I did have a fear of displeasing God, but along with that came the following reasons.

When i was about 6 or 7 years old my best friend, Junior, was having a birthday party in front of his house, he lived 2 doors away from me, and considering that I lived in a row house, that was not to far away. I recall telling him I could not go. I sat in front of my house watching all the activities. Well when it came time to beat-up the pinata, all the kids lined up to take their turn. I was watching thinking, "Man I bet I could hit that thing and break it." But I just watched. All of a sudden Dona Maria, Junior's mother came and took me by the hand to where the pinata was and handed me the stick and told me to hit it. I told her that I could not, and that my parents would be angry. She insisted I go on and hit the thing. Well, I did. I don't remember if I dented the thing or not, since immediately I heard my father yelling out my name. I dropped the stick and knew I was in for it. In for it is an understatement. I got whipped and punished. On another occasion I had saved up $4, and while at our religious meeting I was planning on how to spend it. I decided I was going to buy a chocolate cake and bring it home and my sister and I could eat the whole thing. I asked my mother if once we got home I could go to Albano's bakery and buy something. She said fine, she probably thought I was going to buy my regular bag of candy coated almonds, or my favorite sugar twist, but no I was going to buy a cake. I had just enough money. When I got to the bakery the lady recognized me right away and asked me what I wanted, I told her I wanted a yellow cake with whipped cream filling and chocolate frosting. She told me she had just sold the last one. As I was leaving she called me back in and told me that she just remembered she had one in the back that someone had ordered and never picked up. She said she would put it in a box for me. I was so happy I got my cake. Well, I hurried home and placed the box on the table then I went to take off my coat. I came back in to the kitchen and called my sister and told her I had bought a cake for us. I started to open the box. First you had to remove the string which was tied around the box, as I did this my mom and dad came and stood over us to see what I had bought. Well to my shock, My father told me to go to my room immediately. I did not have a clue of what I did wrong. I quickly found out. I heard him yelling and telling my mom to throw the stupid cake away. Which she did. Then I heard him say how I was going to get it for buying a birthday cake. Well, apparently the cake no one had picked up said Happy Birthday on it. I got a lecture and a whipping. No matter how many times I said I did not know what the cake said it did not make a difference.

I don't blame my parents since this is what they believed, and my dad still believes, but now that I am older I wonder if I don't celebrate birthdays for the religious reasons I was given or because of the sour memories I have regarding birthdays. I don't know. I cannot honestly say that I will never celebrate a birthday or not, only time will tell. For right now I must honestly say that a deep guilty feeling comes over me when I even consider celebrating one....

My years at Wicker Park Elem.....

I went to school at King School from K to 4th. grade. My Sister was transfered to Wicker Park at the end of her 6th. grade at King School because my parents did not want her going to 7th. and 8th. grades at Irving School. Irving School was the school you would go to from King School since King School only went to the 6th. grade. Well, for whatever reason my parents decided to enroll me at Wicker Park in the 5th. grade.

A little background on Wicker Park School...Most if not all of my cousins from my mom's side attended that school. It was in the heart of the Puertorican neighborhood. Maybe that is why my parents sent me there, so that I could pick up some of my culture. Well, little did they know that along with my heritage I learned all the bad words in spanish and many other things, which I will leave to your imagination. My 5th. grade teacher was Miss Ginsberg, it was her first year as a full-time teacher and this was the class from hell. I had come from a pretty strict school, but while Wicker Park seemed strick, in the classroom the kids ruled. I joined in and gave Miss. Ginsberg a very difficult time. A few weeks into the school year she broke down and started crying and told us how she picked Wicker Park because she wanted to help us learn but that we were making her feel like quiting or changing schools. This was a might much to tell a bunch of 5th. graders, most of whom didn't give a shit how she felt. Well, I guess it was my upbringing or something, but I really felt bad for her and I decided to start acting better and doing my work. Soon after most of the class followed through and were doing there part to make her feel welcome. Not all changed, but enough of us did to make her stay and give us a chance. When we weren't in class, it was a different story. We were a wild bunch. I was a punk along with the rest of them. There was only one group of kids we did not mess with, the Vice Lords. These were a bunch of Puertorican boys who would kick your ass just for the hell of it. I recall one morning I was fooling around with one of my pals and he was the brother of one of the V/L's and one of them without asking anything, punched me in the face and my nose started bleeding. I just held it in and went to the washroom and cleaned up the best I could. When I got into the classroom the teacher wanted me to tell her what happened, I would not say a word. None of the other kids said anything either. You see we knew better. No one thought I was a coward since they would have done the same thing. I am telling you that even though these were just kids themselves, they were tough. Since I did not tell on them they left me alone after that. Well, I did very well in 5th. grade. Miss Ginsberg took a liking to me. At the end of the year I had recieved straight E's for every marking period. An E was for yes, excellent.

I returned to the 6th. grade at Wicker Park. I had not seen any of my friends all summer long, but it did not take too much time for us to get back to our ways. My sixth grade teacher was a Jewish lady. Her name was Mrs. Horwitz. We pretended that we did not or could not say her name, so we, or at least the boys called her Mrs. Hore Witch. She of course did not appreciate this very much. She was a tough old bat. She would make us either stand outside the class or in a corner most of the day. She would yell at us so close to our face, that she would actually get spitt on us. She finally managed to calm us down by sitting us in a square group of 4. We still got away with stuff. She had most of my friend's parents come up to the school. She really did not have too much respect for the P.R. community as a whole and she would let us know how she felt. One day she got so angry with me that she said she couldn't understand how Miss Ginsberg allowed me to leave the 5th. grade. One girl in the class, Elsa Cancel, stood up and shocked the hell out of me and Mrs. Hor Witch, when she told her I had been on the honor role all year long. Mis Horwitz, you see I can say it, blew her top. She said this was impossible, she was going to check. She came back into the room angrier than ever, she saw my grades and insisted there was a mistake. I opened my mouth and asked her if she did not think Puertoricans could be smart. The rest of the class 100% P.R. started saying the same thing and boy oh boy was she mad. We thought she would explode so we stopped. She really hated me. She wanted me out of her class. She did not let me get away with anything. One day she was teaching us math and I was listening but at the same time I was talking to that girl Elsa. The teacher caught me and quickly erased the problem from the board, and told me to go up there and solve the problem or I was going to the office. Well, since I could not see that well I had gotten into the habit of writing down the numbers as she wrote them so I could work on them without having to look at the board, well she was shocked when I went up to the board and wrote out the whole problem and the correct answer. She was so angry she still made me go to the office and spend the rest of the day there. She was apparently sending my parents letters to come up to the school for a meeting, but since she mailed them to my uncle's house, my parents never got them. Well, Half way into the school year, she came into the classroom with a big ole smile, and told me, "I got you now!" I had no idea what she was talking about since I had done nothing wrong, yet. She went on to tell the whole class how I did not even live in the Wicker Park district and how she was having me transfered to my old school. Well my heart dropped to my stomach, I did not want to go back to King School. Well, she got her way. She threw me out of Wicker Park. I found myself back in King school. I went from 100% P.R. to 75% black and the rest a mixture of Mexican, P.R., Italian and white. I hated going back since there were a buch of black kids who always gave me problems. Most of them however, were okay, but for this one punk who never left me alone. i wanted to kick his ass so bad, but I wanted to get good grades so that I could get out of that school forever. Well, I made it through the sixth grade at King School. and by the way, Mrs. Horwitz had given me straight U's for the past two marking periods, told you she hated me. Well, the teacher at King School called me to her desk one day and asked how this was possible, and I said I did not know. She then went on to say how she expected these to change immediately, I agreed. Well, I did it since I was pretty smart, if I do say so myself, I brought all my grades up to straight E's. I remember her telling the whole class how she had never jumped anyone from a U to an E before, but that I deserved it. What a different teacher, or was it Me who made the difference....

Just thinking...

I really don't believe that in my lifetime my eye-sight will be restored by a miracle in science, but one cannot be sure of anything in life. I however do have moments when I dream of the things I would do if my vision returned. I have posted in prior post how I would first of all run to a mirror to see what I look like, and then my children, grandchildren, the mother of my children and all my family. I remember how some looked, but for my children I have a picture of a much younger person than who they developed to be. I know I won't be disappointed at all by how anyone looks. I would be so elated that all would look perfect. And more than that, I really look at what a person is made of not what he or she looks like.

But, now I would like to write about the things I would do for fun and to earn a living. First of all I would walk for miles every single day. I would find a nice little place and go to it every morning for a cup of coffee and a doughnut. Maybe DD, even though I favor the doughnuts at Huck Finn. I would own a large dog, either a Doberman or a Rott. I would include him or her in my evening walks. As for earning a living, I would buy a small pickup truck and I would print out flyers advertising the things I could do. These would be handyman jobs around the house. I have learned to do many things which people are either afraid to do themselves or simply rather pay someone to have it done. I would not set high prices so that I could build up a clienttell. I would do good clean work so that I would be recommended. I would do an array of jobs from basic electric and plumbing to cleaning furnaces and chimneys and cleaning gutters. I could do some large type jobs such as installing a new toilet and sink with pedestal or vanity. I have done such work even with limited vision, so I am not afraid to tackle such jobs. Actually installing a toilet is a very simple thing.

I would even rent my truck with me as a driver to folks who buy something at the store and then find it won't fit in their car. I would print out cards indicating all the jobs I would and could do. I would also post on Craigslist and anywhere I could place a free ad.

I would be my own boss. I would decide when I wanted to work and when I did not. Since it is just myself now, I would not need to make a whole lot of money. After living off of disability for so long, anything would be a whole lot, believe me. I see many areas where folks could make money if they don't mind getting dirty and making a little less than the other guy while still offering high quality work.

As I said though these are just thoughts I have on my mind just in case a miracle does happen to me in my lifetime. If it does not I will still continue to make myself useful in whatever and to whomever I can...

Life is what you make it..

I don't expect everyone to agree with me, but that is fine. I however, do believe that to a very large extent, we do control what does and does not happen. Yes, many things happen in everyones life which are of the unexpected or even shocking nature, and while there was nothing we could do to prevent these from happening, their sure is something we can do afterwards. Do we need to change drastically? Maybe, it all depends on what we aim to accomplish and how much we a willing to allow what has happened to have a positive or negative affect on our lives. We can sit down and wait for things to change, get better, or we can take steps to make it so. That is how we do and should have control over what happens from this moment on. Most likely there is not a damn thing we can do to completely erase the negative effects of the bad incident, but we should not allow it to linger in our system and cause more pain and damage then it already has.

So, Chear Up! There is a beautiful and clear tomorrow. Just give it all you have and be totally focused on achieving something good for yourself. You will feel great about it and you will learn from it. Chances are that you will be a much better person for having put up a fight for yourself. And if nobody notices, what the hell, you know it and that is all that really matters, and you have prepared yourself for the next challenge life throws your way, and believe me, it will....

Summer is winding down...

This summer has been beautiful if you like the hot weather, I do. But now we are entering one of my favorite time of the year, fall. Ever since I was a kid I enjoyed fall the most. I remember that back then I could see a little better when it was cloudy out, and it seemed there were more of those days in fall. I enjoy fall for other reasons also. I love the way everything changes color in preparation for winter. I like the sound of the crackling leaves under my shoes as I walk. I like the way the breeze moves through the house leaving a nice fresh scent. I recall when I was a kid we would burn the leaves and I enjoyed that smell. Some folks still burn the leaves, we don't since it can hurt certain people with upper respitory problems. Ever since I started paying the utility bills back in the '70's, I also like the fact that the electric bill is lower during September and October. I guess that is due to not haveing to run the air, or fans since the weather is so nice.

School starts next week and when I lived in my old neighborhood on Grenshaw, when I was in 6th. and 7th. grade I would go and either buy one of the best hot dogs with fries in Chicago on the corner of Polk and Western, or I would buy my favorite potato sandwich at Willlys on Polk and Leavitt. After a while Willy's closed and then Lulu's started selling the potato sandwich. I still go there to eat them. When I was in 7th. grade I would pay .30 cents for each sandwich. It was poor people food like gravy bread, just add french fries and sometimes pieces of Italian beef come along for the ride. Man oh man I could still eat those everyday if I lived near there. You noticed I stopped at 7th. grade, that is because I skipped 8th. grade as most kids would go to 8th. grade. My friend, whose name I cannot remember, I think it was Pete, and I were selected to complete 8th. grade in summer school. So what normally took a whole school year, we did in 8 weeks. It was a pilot program. We were sent to Crane H.S. with a group of students who had failed 8th. grade. So, there we were the only two latinos with a class of black kids who were not the cream of the crop, to say the least. I guess they intended for the study habits Pete and I had would somehow rub off on them. Well, I don't know if it did or didn't, all I know is that we all passed. The only regret I have is that somehow, someone forgot to inform our teacher that Pete and I were honor students. She thought we were bad kids who just like the rest had failed. She treated us like shit! I recall how she would hit the students with whatever she could. One day she wanted me to give my belt to her so she could hit this black kid who was my friend, so I refused and she made me go to the office where they called my parents and threatened to kick me out of the program. I remember how my father was upset I did not obey my teacher. I still cannot to this day understand how parents could allow teachers to get away with that. Not til I got mad one day and stood up for myself did that teacher ever acknowledge that Pete and I were not there for the same reason as the others. I remember I told her how I was going to prove it to her by getting the highest grade on the Constitution test, which I did, I got a 97 1/2, the highest score in the class. Don't ask me how they came up with that score all I know is that I got it! I did help my fellow students prepare for the test also. You see, as we spent those weeks in the summer together, we all became friends. They were a tuff bunch but they wanted to pass also. I actually enjoyed that summer even with that crazy little black woman teacher. Pete and I would walk to Crane everyday for school. It was quite a walk since it was by jackson and Oakley. I would pick him up since he lived on Ogden Ave. and then we would walk together the rest of the way. On the last day Pete met me by my house. I remember having a blue cap and gown. At that time my mom would have our milk, orange juice and eggs delivered by the Bowan milk company. Well, Pete and I were walking out the door of my house when the milk man drove up. He wanted to know where we were going oll dressed up in our best suits. We told him we were graduating the 8th. grade, and he asked from what school, we told him Crane, and he told us to hop into the milk truch and he gave us a ride to the school. I wonder if anyone else can claim that they were driven to their 8th. grade graduation on a milk truck....

What kind of friend are you...

That is not a trick question, but it can be a difficult one to answer. The first obvious answer to most of us is 'a good friend' or even 'a great friend'. Whose standards are we basing our answer on? We might be looking at the kind of friends others make, and compared to them we are great friends, but are those the standards you want to live up to? Apparently their standards really don't meet up to what we feel a friend should be. So, honestly what kind of friend are you...

Only you can answer that soul-searching question. We all have a notion of what makes a good friend.

Is a friend someone who always agrees with us?
Is a friend someone who always says the right thing?
Is a friend someone who remembers all those special occasions?
Is a friend someone you can call at any time of the day or night?
Is a friend someone who brings you chicken soup?
Is a friend someone who laughs at all your jokes?
Is a friend someone who won't tell you your breath doesn't smell to good?
Is a friend someone who forces you to eat even though you are on a diet?
Is a friend someone who reminds you to eat something?
Is a friend someone who allows you to drive just cause you only had a few beers/shots?
Is a friend someone who says they love you?
Is a friend someone who shows you they love you?
Is a friend someone you always want to be around?
Is a friend someone who lets you have your own space?
Is a friend someone who calls you when you are sick?
Is a friend someone who calls you when someone dies?
Is a friend someone who calls you regularly?
Is your husband your friend?
Is your wife your friend?
Is your child your friend?
Is your parent your friend?
Is your pet your friend?
How much can you tell a friend?
How much can a friend tell you?

I can go on and on, but you get the point. It is not so easy to say if someone is a good friend or a casual friend.

One thing we can do is to set our own standards as to what kind of friend we want to be and to whom...Then we can work hard at achieving this. Remember that to be a good friend you don't need a lot of money or a lot of material things to offer, and remember that who you are should be just enough. If you want to make a a person your remodeling project so they can be a good friend to you, then you aren't a good friend to have, and the opposite is true also, if someone is wanting to change us because they feel we would then fit their mold, then they are not a friend worth pursuing.

What kind of friend are you...

Growing up in Brighton Park..

That is actually an under statement, growing up in Brighton Park was seeing life as i had never seen it before. Yes, i came from a rougher part of the city, but that did not mean I had done everything. Actually i had done very little. Yes, i did stuff around the house and I learned how to protect myself, and I learned the value of money. But I new nothing about love. Yes, i thought I loved that one girl but did I? Did I even know what love was, did she? I cannot answer for her since I heard that girls develop at about 4 years over the male of the same age, so I could say i new nothing of love but maybe she did. Well, now that I think of it, she must have since she went to Texas and got hitched.

Well, there was this girl in the neighborhood who became friends with my sister, she would come over and so would her brother. Her brother and I became friends, we still are. I really did not pay too much attention to her since I was not allowed to date, and I was not allowed to associate with those of another religion. She however apparently liked me. On one occasion she came over with her friends looking for my sister, my sister was not home but before I had a chance to say anything they were in my house, more than that, they were in my bedroom and her friend Anna Silva, had found the wedding invite and letter from Texas. I did not know til she was reading it aloud. Oh well, that was that.

As I became friendly with that girls brother, I went to there house. it seemed that she was always there, no matter what we were doing. After a while I did start to notice her in a different way. But I did not say anything since I felt out of my league. I had noticed one thing about this area which was different from my old neighborhood, that was that boys and girls were hanging out more and dating each other more. You would see them kissing in public and that only led one to expect other activity behind closed doors. i was not ready for that. I really did not know anything about sex and french kissing and all that stuff. You see, my sister and I were not allowed to watch any movies which contained any kissing and of course we were not allowed to go to the show, where I know many saw this and more on the screen as they practiced with their date in the dark show.

Well, things changed and rather quickly. I won't go into detail but that girl became the mother of my children and my wife. You see in my case my first love was really my true love. I now knew the difference in how I felt for this girl. Anyway in March of 1974 she and I were wedd. In October of that year, 45 days before her 15th. birthday and 51 days before my 19th. birthday our first child was born. A little girl with her mother's green eyes. Our second child did not come until 6 years later. We wanted to enjoy our baby. Yes, I recieved punishment from my church elders. i say that because they will have you believe that the punishment comes from God. But all I saw from God was my bride and a beautiful daughter. I was naive back then so I played by man-made rules. I was disfellowshiped from the church. I guess Catholic would call it excommunicated. Whatever you call it I was and after my daughter was born i was deemed fit to be a member again.

I was really in love with my life now. i truly loved my wife. And we were both crazy over our baby. I never imagined that the move from Grenshaw and from 26th. would mean so many life shaping changes for me....

Growing up in Brighton Park..

Doing something nice for yourself...

I know some of you want me to continue with the story of my life, I left off speaking of my first broken heart. But, I will continue that on another post, today I want to write about doing something for myself.

I had a bedroom set which my former wife and I had purchased on Feb. 14, 1982. It lasted quite a long time. Twenty eight years to be exact. Well, I should rephrase that, I had it for 28 years since I gave it away to a young lady and I hope it gives her and her children a few mor years. I really did not want to part with it since there were so many memories behind that furniture, but one has to let go. Just to mention one of my memories, our children would come into our room and ask us a question about their homework and they would use the tops of the dresser and chest to rest their paper and books and write the answers. I am pretty sure that their are still some pencil marks on the tops of those pieces.

But, I bought a new bed for myself and the last thing left was the dresser and mirror, so I gave it away and bought a gift for myself. i got a 5 drawer chest to match my bed. The bed is leather and the chest is espresso. I really like what I picked out. The dresser I found online at The Room Place. I had bought a sofa from them a few years back and I was and still am pleased with it, so when I could not find a chest which I liked at the store I went to, I decided to shop online. As you know I cannot see so I count on a read or written description of what I buy. I really liked the detailed description and I like the fact that it is constructed of wood. It is very well made and the finish is really nice. So while a chest might not sound like a big deal to you, it is for me. I don't need elaborate things to make me happy, I am a simple guy with simple needs.