Going way way back...

In fact so far back that I would have to do some math to get the right year. I will start by saying that I have often wondered if everyone goes through the same thinking process when they are young. I am talking about reaching a time in your life when you know that things are destined to change and you don't know what to expect or even how to handle it. As life for me changed from boyhood to young manhood, it was very confusing. Unlike these modern times where there are books and parents who are not ashamed to talk openly about certain things, back then you did not feel that ability to communicate your feelings and fears. Parents did not want to speak about sex or falling in love with their kids, or at least my parents weren't open to such conversations. I would be told that I was way to young to be thinking about those things. Maybe I was but someone forgot to tell my body not to change so quickly. There were times when I thought I was a freak, as I learned on my own, much later, I discovered that what I had felt was perfectly normal. I sure wish there had been someone around to tell me that as I was going through that.

Well I started to understand some of what sex and love were about, but I had so many many unanswered questions. I did my best to go on. I did not go to the show or read books that weren't religious, so couldn't take advantage of love stories or movies to learn something. I heard things on the street from other guys, but I really did not put to much stock in what they said, and that was a good thing cause they were full of shit. I often wondered how it would be with my first girl. I wondered if I would even know what to say or do. Even at an early age I thought I would just end up alone. By this time many of the guys I new had many girlfriends and if you were to believe them, they also had sexual encounters. Who knows? All I knew was that I had neither a girlfriend or anything close to even a kiss. Oh well, time did not stand still and I just got older. I would do lots and lots of bike rideing and walking, which gave me a chance to think and plan my future. I was not to successfull in my planning. At least not at that point in my life. I would do a whole lot of day-dreaming. I would picture how it would be to have a girlfriend, wife and family of my own. It all seemed impossible.

I now understand why I fell so deeply in love with one person and have stayed in love til today. I had plans and in those plans was the foundation to be honest and faithful. I never thought that divorce from a marriage was an option. I always felt that if two people really loved each other they could work even the most difficult times out. I actually still believe that. I am not saying that in some cases divorce or separation are not an option, they as far as I am concerned, should not be the first option. Those actions should only be considered after all others have been exhausted. As I said I am still in love with the girl who became my wife and mother of my children. I still think of her on a daily basis and she still makes up a large part of my dreams at night, which makes wakeing up kinda hard, cause all of a sudden I am slapped in the face by reality, the reality that she is no longer my girl. With her went many of my dreams and hopes for the rest of my life. I don't and will not share those with another woman, cause they were only meant for her. Sure I tried to have a romantic encounter after I was divorced, and it was so weird. I would speak with this lady over the phone and I thought it would be nice to visit her and have dinner. Well we saw each other 3 times, and each was not what I expected at all. Minutes after being in her house I felt like leaving. I felt so out of place. We talked and that was all. I told her I would see her agin before I made my trip to N.Y. to get my guide dog. I did go to her house and met her grandson and ate pizza. While in N.Y. I realized I was not fooling anyone. I had to tell her this was not going to work out. I did not want to tell her over the phone so I started to avoid her calls. Once I got back home I had to keep my promise of letting her meet my new guide dog, so I went to her house for the last time. I really did not want to hurt her in any way but I could not lie either to her or myself. So I told her that I could not continue to see her, even though all we did was talk, but I did not want her to get any ideas that there could be anything between us. It is kinda funny when she asked me if I had met someone in N.Y. I said no, to which she said I know I new it all along, you are still in love with Janet. I said yes it is true, and that was it. I felt relieved. I did not feel anything for her so once I said bye It did not bother me at all. I hope that it was the same for her. I am glad nothing happened between us since it would have been a mistake. She was not right for me, after all once you have loved your one true love, who can even come close...