A trip down memory lane...

I went back as far as I could remember. I got to the age of 3 or 4. I recall living on Filmore St. on the second floor. I remember playing with little die-cast cars under the ironing board as my mother would iron, not too safe now that I think of it. I would place the cars on the legs of the board and watch as they crashed to the ground. I also remember we had a coldspot fridge with the freezer on the bottom, I would lie on the top of the freezer door and swing back and forth. Whenever the lady downstairs thought I was making too much noise, she would hit her ceiling with her cane. I also recall going to pick-up my sister from kindergarten. Back then long logs like those now used for telephone poles, were used as car stops in parking lots. I would balance myself on those all the way to King School where my sister was. I remember asking my mom when I would get to go to school also. Another thing I remember was all the spools of empty thread I used to own. You see my mother made most of her clothes and I think most of my sisters also. So, she always had a lot of thread and when she was done with it I would get the spools. Maybe it doesn't sound like much but I had a whole lot of fun with those. Those were for me my lego and building blocks. sometimes I would get some string and place it through the center hole of the spools, as many as I could fit, and that became a train.

Well, one weekend my father's cousin came to town with his wife and since they had no where to stay, my father told them they could stay in our apartment. We went and stayed by my grandfather's house for the weekend. Well, when we went back home, the landlord was waiting for us at the door, and he said we had to move out. Apparently my Dad's cousin did not act too well while he stayed in our place, so we were thrown out. Unlike today, we were not given any time to move out. We moved out that very same evening. We then went to live at 2449 W. Grenshaw St. where I would live for the next 12 years of my life, until I was sixteen.

I do have many vivid memories of those following 12 years of my life. Some good some not so good. I remember playing outside a lot of the time. I would play marbles and tops. I would also ride my bike. I had a very good friend who I called Junior. I was called Papo by all. We had a pretty good friendship until we got older and he went to Catholic school and I went to public school. Yes, that made a difference, they thought they were better than us. And they made us feel that way whenever they had a chance.

As I got older I started to realize that the part of my life which I excused as clumsiness, and my father as stupidness, was actually something I did not share with all other kids my age. You see, I always came indoors as the sun set and I never really paid attention to the fact that I could not see very well in the dark, I thought everyone saw the same as I did. But as I heard the kids outside playing for hours after I had already come inside, I would wonder what was going on. The part my father thought was stupidness on my part was how I would always walk into light post, parking meters, fire hydrants and even people. I forever had bruises on my forhead. I remember one evening I had a new blue suit on and we were walking to our church meeting and I walked and fell into a pile of garbage and got filty. Than to top it off, I got wipped when I got home. I did not understand why these things would happen to me. I started to buy into my Dad's theory, I was just stupid.

It got worse as I noticed I could not do the same things even in the daytime anymore as I use to. I could not see very well from my sides. I would attempt to play softball with the other kids and when the ball was hit in my direction, it would fall right by me or worse, it would hit me in the head. They now started calling me stupid, which was one of the kinder names I was called. I started to spend more time in my room alone.

My mother did realize something was not right. She would take me to Childrens Memorial Hospital for eye test. Since she knew very little english and unlike nowadays, people really did not care about making sure parents fully understood what was going on. It is sad to think that all those years my mother was searching for an answer, the answer was right there but no one took the time to explain it to her. During all this time my grandfather on my mothers side was blind. I don't know if my mom ever thought there might be a connection. Maybe not since they blamed my grandfather's blindness on an evil curse they called the evil eye they claim a lady put on him. Well, whatever my mother thought I will never know. I continued to stumble through life. Well, when it was time to go to high school, my mother took me for my physical exam. She proceeded to take me to a Puertorican eye doctor. I still recall his name, Julio Ferrer. As soon as he looked into my eyes he staarted to tell my mom how I would continue to lose my eyesight and how I should continue to attend special school and classes. Well, my mom was shocked almost as shocked as he was when she told him that she had never been told I had anything wrong. And whats more, she told him how she new nothing of special classes or anything. He gave what I had a name, Retinitis Pigmentosa. He filled my mom in through her tears and made an appointment for me to see a retinal specialist. Well, Dr. Fishmen confirmed what the other doctor told us. He took the time to explain everything in detail to me. There I was 13 years old and finally hearing how I was not stupid after all. Oh, by the way, my grandfather's blindness was not caused by any evil eye.

Well, finding out the truth did not make it any easier to accept. It was hard. And I did not want anything to do with special school or classes. I felt that the few friends I had left would only make fun of me and laugh. And believe me in those days they would have. So now I tried to live a lie. I would pretend I could see as well as the next guy. Most of the time I failed badly. But I had lived my life this way, not being able to see many things for a long time, the only difference was it now had a name. Not many people knew or cared to learn what it was. I had gym teachers throw away the notes from my doctor stating I should be excused from activities which could injure me. I still remember his words, "No doctor's note is going to excuse you from my class". I hope he rotts in hell for that!

many different types of lenses and different colored ones were tried on me with no success. I went to My first year of high school. I tried to make it work. Now when i bumped into someone knocking them into their locker, I was viewed as a tough guy. Little did they know how embarrassed I was. I had a really hard time in my classes. There were two classes I went to only a few times, no, not because I didn't like them it was because I could not see the number in the glass which was painted over the doorway. Most of the time when I finally found the correct door, the bell had rung and I was not allowed to go in. Once again I was viewed as a tough guy. I wanted to learn, I loved to learn. I decided i was not going back. I think my mother understood, my father on the other-hand was disappointed that his only male son was not living up to what he expected. You see my Dad has always loved sports and he wanted me to be the same, but he also wanted me to be involved in sports with the kids from the church. Well I gave it a shot. I have always liked sports myself, I just was not able to pretend. I recall when being placed on a team I would be more than happy to try and hit the hell out of the softball. And I got pretty good at timing it just right. however when it was time for our side to play the outffield I would make excuses. After a while I was no longer picked to be on anyone's team.

There is so much more, but I will end this post now...

False expectations...

You know as we grow up we have certain expectations of life. This would mean that we expect certain things from ourselves and others. Well, we were half right. We can and by all means should have certain expectations of ourselves as a person, but to have such regarding others is false. I use the word false since it is the opposite of true. We can and must be true to ourselves, but that is where it should stay. Not that others can't be true to us, but for us to expect it would just be setting ourselves up for disappointment. As you read this you might be thinking I have a grudge or that I am a very bitter person. You actually couldn't be further from the truth. I have learned through life that when we depend on others we can easily be hurt. While when we depend on ourselves and others do give of themselves to us, it is an added blessing. You see when you recieve from another without any previously imagined outcome or result, we can only benefit and be surprised and pleased instead of hurt or disappointed.

I know you who read this blog are probably tired of hearing me say that no one owes us anything, but it is the truth. Most people who live waiting for someone else to do for them actually live a very empty life.

I call my life a journey and in this journey there are chapters. As one closes another opens. I welcome anyone into my journey through life. Don't feel bad if at first I seem distant, that is just my survival instinct. You see I am cautious of feeling certain feelings for someone only to learn they don't feel the same towards me. So I have built this invisible barrier which protects me. It is however not a barrier which can not be broken, it can, and I welcome anyone with good intentions to break through, I will not put up a fight once it is clear to me that your intentions are wholesome. You will find that I am a very loving and kind individual. I have learned many things in my journey through life. I will say that some of the things I've learned weren't of my choosing, but they were lessons learned nonetheless. I am a much calmer person now. I realize that certain things are going to happen which I cannot control no matter what I say or do. I therefore love and strive to do good so that I may bring a little happiness to others lives. As I always say, maybe someday in someway the good I do will return to me, and hey, if it never does, that is ok since I no longer have false expectations.....

Just walking...

You Know I was thinking on how we all take things for granted when they are going well. This also includes relationships. We all do it and if someone says they don't or never have, they are a bold-faced liar.

I am not saying it is the right thing to do, it just happens that way. When things are going good we just go with the flow. We enjoy the fact they are going well. When we hit a snag in a relationship we then strive to correct it. Sadly, sometimes it is a case of too little too late. When we realize that we have lost someone we deeply love, need and want in our lives, they have gone in search of something and or someone else.

Well, that's life and we just need to face it and do the best we can with what we have left of our lives.

I want to switch now and talk about other things we take for granted simply cause they aren't an issue yet. I am talking about things we do naturally. Things like walking, talking, eating, laughing, reading, sight-seeing and so on.

I always loved to walk. I would walk with no destination in mind. I would walk just to walk and clear my mind. I believe that was my medication at the time. All I had to do was walk and I would feel better about myself or a situation. After I couldn't walk as freely as I had been used to because of my failing eye sight, I started to feel depressed, and eventually had to go on meds. There was really no reason for me to feel down, I just did. I missed my long walks. I missed going to stores just to look around. I missed seeing the different expressions on people's faces. I never realized how important walking was for me.

Today, I went to CVS to pick-up my blood pressure medication and as I walked I realized that my eyes were closed. Yes, I was walking with my eyes completely shut. You see, not so long ago, I was able to see the difference in the shades of brightness and shadows on the sidewalk, even though it was very dim, it was something. As I walked today I realized that I no longer see any difference in the shades of light otherr than a white-silver cloud for day and black for night. I could not see colors for a long time now, but being able to distinguish small differences in light would help me keep my orientation. WOW! How we take for granted just walking a straight line without having to think about it. I walked at a rapid pace before. Now I walk in a snails pace. I need to listen to everything around me so that I can walk relatively straight. I listen out for the slightess sounds to orient myself. I mean I even listen to the space between me and a building. Yes, the sound changes as you get closer or farther from the wall. I discovered today that I found it necessary to come to a complete stop when I could not hear any cars moving. I was using the sound of the cars to keep me moving in the correct direction. I discovered a whole new world of blindness today. I took it fairly well, I did not panic since I knew I would not solve anything by getting upset. I will need to continue to practice walking by myself. I won't lie and say it is not a scary ordeal, it is but this is the life I have been given and it is not going to change anytime soon. So, back to my topic, even the small things in life should not be taken for granted, since in the blink of an eye they can be taken from us.

I write this blog about my life as I have today, not to recieve pity or any special treatment, I do so, so that others can learn from my expieriences in life. I don't wish anyone to lose their eye sight or any of their faculties, but if you do, take heart, discover new ways to do things. And when you feel alone in the world and you start to question why you should even go on.... Do just that go on with life do the best you can with what you have. Take every opportunity to do something which makes you feel good about yourself. Laugh out loud even if others think your nutts. Do it for you! Believe me when I tell you, no one is going to come to your rescue just because you wish it to happen. You need to be strong and rely on yourself. Yes, I will be the first to admit that it is hard and many times a deep sadness comes over you because you wish things were different, well guess what? They aren't different, it is what it is. No one is going to give you any special treatment, so don't expect it. When You start depending on others you quickly become a burden to them. No one owes us anything. Do what you have to do and make the best of what you have been given to work with. May God bless us as we venture into the world just wanting to belong to someone and to have someone love us for who and what we are and have to offer...

Are these things possible...

Can love survive when only one feels it...
Can happiness return...
Can realistic dreams be met...
Can loneliness belong to the past...
Can one's heart beat for another...
Can all this happen...
Can it happen to me...

Why write it all down?

Well, I write it all down just in case someone, somewher, someday finds these expressions of mine helpful in any way. I would be so happy to hear that someone's life was made a little easier by something they read in one of my blogs.

I am probably giving myself too much credit by thinking that something I write might help someone. But, who knows? I have learned through out my life that if we listen we can learn so much. We can learn even from the most unlikely individual. That actually depends on how humble a person we are. If we are so proud that we don't value someone or what they have to say simply because of how they are dressed or how they speak, well then we are robbing ourselves of an opportunity to see life from a different prespective. We all have our own points of view. Some may have lived a relatively easy life, while others have lived a rough life. We all can learn from one another.

Be open to new ideas and thoughts. This by no means says we need to accept everything we hear, or make life-changing changes in our life, but at least we can examine the possibilities....

Why write it all down?

On a happier note...

Life is good! That is the motto for LG electronics. It should be our motto to live by. Just think about it for a moment... If we wake up thinking and feeling that life is good, chances are we will have a pretty good day. On the other hand, if we wake up mad at the world and all we think about is how much life sucks, we are setting ourselves up to have a krappy day. I know there are situations and events that happen in life which change how we feel about life, but if we have a solid desire to be happy and to accept the things we have no control over, we have a chance. I believe that our attitude has so much to do with how we feel and act. It even has an effect on how people view us. Have you ever met someone who looks mad all the time? Do you want to be around that person? I know I don't. And if you do, maybe the saying: "misery loves company applies to you." I certainly don't want to be like that. I strive to be a balanced person. I realize everyday is not going to be cheerful, but I will look for reasons to smile or even laugh. I want to be a person others want to be around, not a sour puss, who all want to stay away from.

So, smile, laugh...Life is GOOD!!